I would have made a horrible thief. I am not saying this because I can see some internal flaw that would lead to some sort of thievery deficit; rather I say it because I was a horrible thief and theft is hardly the type of profession that offers significant room for improvement. Computer programming mistakes are often accompanied by a call from my boss and 5-10 minutes of reflection. Thievery mistakes are accompanied by handcuffs and 5-10 years of "reflection." The threshold for error is wide and the opportunity for improvement is narrow.
Despite what Disney would have you believe, there is really only one rule to piracy (unless you are a meth addict in which case there are several rules or no rules....depending on how much Sudafed you put in the mix) and that rule is less Sparrow and more Smith....less con and more capitalist. It all comes down to risk and reward. If you must steal, at least steal something worth stealing. Daniel Ocean understood this rule; I did not.
A pack of candy cigarettes, a pack of M&M's, a 1991 Score Will Clark, and a Louis L'Amour novel (I know, I know...Louis L'Amour....) were the sum of the bounty which I amassed during my years as a hardened criminal. My impressive haul is made even more impressive by the fact that I was able to gather all of the invaluable (read: worthless) items in no fewer than 2 (no more than 2 either....but 'no fewer' sounds better) heists. My criminal career was abruptly ended after the fleecing of a local K-Mart for the Will Clark card. The baseball card section of the store was near the back of the store, sandwiched between board games and children's clothing, and it was unkempt to say the least. Broken packs of cards littered the shelves and the floor. Laying amongst the broken packs was the Will Clark card and future incarceration. No sooner had I picked up the card than I was being whisked away by K-Mart security. Apparently I had walked into some kind of baseball card sting; set up to ebb the current influx of baseball card theft...or maybe their security guards have too much time on their hands. The story continues and worsens. The details are hardly important but you should know that handcuffs, security videos, lots of yelling, the backseat of a police car and the crack of my father's belt ended my life of crime that very day. Don't be a fool - stay in school.
The weekend is nearly here and the Garden City has a lot of legal entertainment to offer...I suggest you give it a try.
Best of Augusta - This one's easy. It's the best....it says so right there in the name. To claim to be the best and be anything less than the best would be deceptive advertising at best and incorrigible at worst. Go hungry and take $12. Proceeds go to Fort Discovery, calories go to your hips. 6pm tonight at Fort Discovery.
First Friday - If you've lived in Augusta for any period of time, you'll know about First Friday. If you haven't been, tomorrow would be a good night to check it out because they are also celebrating the 5th year of the Augusta Commons with an outdoor concert. Did I mention the concert is free? No? Well, it's free. The Tams and the Drifters are performing.
Jaguar Jaunt - Run like you stole something. Grammatical deficiencies aside, there is a lot of truth in that statement. If I had run from the store, the security guards wouldn't have had time to put down their donuts and grab me. So, if you are considering a life of crime, you should probably get in shape first. Augusta State is here to help. Race starts at 8am Saturday. Registration is $20 with a t-shirt and $10 without.
Light the Night - If you're familiar with Relay for Life, this will sound familiar and docile by comparison. It is a fund raiser/walk to honor survivors of Leukemia or Lymphoma and to raise money and awareness. The walk starts at 7:30 Saturday night and lasts 2 hoursish so it's not a huge commitment for all you people who think you "have better things to do." If you're reading this blog, I can assure you that you don't.
UGA vs. UT - Georgia plays Tennessee at 3:30pm on your local CBS affiliate. If your local CBS affiliate is in the greater Augusta area and you are a UGA fan, let me know. I'll be watching the game and I might as well watch it with you.
Hope you all have a great weekend. Remember, it's only illegal if you get caught so be good or be sneaky.
-Jake
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Pretentious
It has been brought to my attention by a few people (passive voice FTW) that I've kind of fallen down on my job of toasting (toasting (v.): the process of writing toasters which may or may not be humorous/used to woo women). I'm not exactly sure how I should respond to such egregious accusations because...well...unlike O.J., the glove fits. I'm guilty as charged. It may be writer's block or it may be that I'm lazy (strangely, I think I've toasted about both subjects....crazy, I know). The world may never know. So, what to do when you've got nothing to say? Plagiarism seems like a logical choice. Unfortunately, it is frowned upon. The next best thing is to be a critic. Critics always have something to say.
Enter Jake the Poetry Critic....What are my qualifications? That question is a little forward isn't it? Since you asked, I love rap and I'd like to have 3.2 kids...now what ever will we talk about on our second date? With my resume and my 5-year plan firmly in hand, let's get on to the review.
The Mollusk of My Life: Center of My Heart and Chesapeake Bay
by: C.R. Manley
turning tide—
placing intact clams
back in the water
Beautiful. Brilliant. This is Mr. Manley's world, the rest of us are just squirrel's trying to get a nut. I'm not exactly sure where to start. A critique of this magnitude is beyond my ability. I do not possess the hubris to continue, but continue I must. Any attempt to disassemble this masterpiece would only point to my own shortcomings both in art and in life. Front to back and end to beginning, Mr. Manley's work touches the deepest parts of our souls. His words connect with a longing within each of us. We are the clams. We are the tide. Like a fine New England Clam Chowder (the white), Mr. Manley satisfies us with each clam of hope.
And I'm spent. I haven't the energy to continue so I urge you to continue in my stead. Go out. Do something this weekend. Take someone someone with you.
-Jake
P.S. Mr. Manley did not title his haiku so I titled it for him. All credits to the Haiku Society of America.
Enter Jake the Poetry Critic....What are my qualifications? That question is a little forward isn't it? Since you asked, I love rap and I'd like to have 3.2 kids...now what ever will we talk about on our second date? With my resume and my 5-year plan firmly in hand, let's get on to the review.
The Mollusk of My Life: Center of My Heart and Chesapeake Bay
by: C.R. Manley
turning tide—
placing intact clams
back in the water
Beautiful. Brilliant. This is Mr. Manley's world, the rest of us are just squirrel's trying to get a nut. I'm not exactly sure where to start. A critique of this magnitude is beyond my ability. I do not possess the hubris to continue, but continue I must. Any attempt to disassemble this masterpiece would only point to my own shortcomings both in art and in life. Front to back and end to beginning, Mr. Manley's work touches the deepest parts of our souls. His words connect with a longing within each of us. We are the clams. We are the tide. Like a fine New England Clam Chowder (the white), Mr. Manley satisfies us with each clam of hope.
And I'm spent. I haven't the energy to continue so I urge you to continue in my stead. Go out. Do something this weekend. Take someone someone with you.
-Jake
P.S. Mr. Manley did not title his haiku so I titled it for him. All credits to the Haiku Society of America.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Pack it up, Pack it in
For the uninitiated, I was in Nicaragua (or, as the locals call it, Nicaragua) last week. Because I was going to be in Nicaragua, I packed some clothes and such (deodorant....you're welcome, ladies), in what may have been, the largest piece of luggage I've ever used. This is notable because I typically pack small. I've been accused of packing light but this is a misleading indictment. You see, I'm a waste not want not packer. If my suitcase has approximately the same volume of a plastic grocery bag, then I will fill my suitcase with no more or less than one grocery bag's worth of clothing. So, when I headed off to Nicaragua with a bag that resemble a Volkswagen in both storage capacity and gas mileage, I knew I had more clothes (and deodorant) than I could wear in a month.
You math majors are one step ahead of me so add some vectors while I bring the rest of the class up to speed. The math works out like this: (More clothes than I could wear in a month) - (9 days) = 1/2 of a Volkswagen full of clean clothes. Now that we've established the parameters of the problem, let's compare some possible "good" solutions to my actual course of action. The most obvious solution is to wash all the clothes, dirty and clean, to bring my packed-clothes-quotient down to zero. Since I don't own a washing machine (or dryer), I decided to go with the second best but equally logical path regarding the still clean clothes: wear them.
So, for the past 4 days, I've been going through the remainder of the clothes (and deodorant) in my Nicaragua bag and I look fabulous, if not entirely epileptic with an iron (why do you have a horizontal crease across the middle of your shirt?). It is times like this that having a Computer Science degree really comes in handy because I can lean on my nerd card when the fashion police come knocking. Today, they came knocking because I'm wearing my leftover corduroy pants which smell quite a bit like the coffee I packed on top of them. This might lead you to question "who wears corduroy in Augusta in June" to which I would reply "who packs corduroy pants for a summer trip to the equator....exactly."
As luck would have it, I'm off to St. Simon's Island this weekend and I'm already packed. As a result, I don't have much of a 4-1-1 on Augusta this weekend but here goes.
Swing into Summer Weekend: Not to be outdone by First Friday, the Augusta Convention & Visitor's Bureau wants you to join them for a street party downtown. Like normal trips downtown, this one won't cost you a penny and it's a great way to see what Augusta has to offer. Free live bands and non-free food await all those who venture downtown tonight between 6:30p and 9p at the Imperial Theater.
The Odd Couple: Less a story of chronicling my dating career and more a comedy of the lives of two diametrically opposed roommates. So, yeah....it has pretty much nothing to do with me. If this stage show follows in the footsteps of the Walter MaTthau, Jack Lemmon classic then it will be worth every penny of the $32 price of admission. Weekend shows at Le Chat Noir for the next 3 weekends.
Hot Southern Nights: I could go anywhere with this but I'll try to keep it clean. The older I get, the farther away "the 70's" get. Nearly 40 years later, we are still celebrating the music born out of the late 60's and early 70's and that is exactly what Augusta has in mind for Saturday night. Classics such as Orleans (who?), Poco (who?), and Firefall (who?) will be taking the stage at Lake Olmstead Stadium at 6pm.
Proximity: I wish I had more information on this but Google has let me down. The conference started last night and runs through Saturday. The focus of the conference is ways in which we can transform the poverty in Augusta by meeting the physical and spiritual needs of members of our city. I can't make it but I'm going to try to procure some audio/visual materials via Calvinist friends.
-Jake
You math majors are one step ahead of me so add some vectors while I bring the rest of the class up to speed. The math works out like this: (More clothes than I could wear in a month) - (9 days) = 1/2 of a Volkswagen full of clean clothes. Now that we've established the parameters of the problem, let's compare some possible "good" solutions to my actual course of action. The most obvious solution is to wash all the clothes, dirty and clean, to bring my packed-clothes-quotient down to zero. Since I don't own a washing machine (or dryer), I decided to go with the second best but equally logical path regarding the still clean clothes: wear them.
So, for the past 4 days, I've been going through the remainder of the clothes (and deodorant) in my Nicaragua bag and I look fabulous, if not entirely epileptic with an iron (why do you have a horizontal crease across the middle of your shirt?). It is times like this that having a Computer Science degree really comes in handy because I can lean on my nerd card when the fashion police come knocking. Today, they came knocking because I'm wearing my leftover corduroy pants which smell quite a bit like the coffee I packed on top of them. This might lead you to question "who wears corduroy in Augusta in June" to which I would reply "who packs corduroy pants for a summer trip to the equator....exactly."
As luck would have it, I'm off to St. Simon's Island this weekend and I'm already packed. As a result, I don't have much of a 4-1-1 on Augusta this weekend but here goes.
Swing into Summer Weekend: Not to be outdone by First Friday, the Augusta Convention & Visitor's Bureau wants you to join them for a street party downtown. Like normal trips downtown, this one won't cost you a penny and it's a great way to see what Augusta has to offer. Free live bands and non-free food await all those who venture downtown tonight between 6:30p and 9p at the Imperial Theater.
The Odd Couple: Less a story of chronicling my dating career and more a comedy of the lives of two diametrically opposed roommates. So, yeah....it has pretty much nothing to do with me. If this stage show follows in the footsteps of the Walter MaTthau, Jack Lemmon classic then it will be worth every penny of the $32 price of admission. Weekend shows at Le Chat Noir for the next 3 weekends.
Hot Southern Nights: I could go anywhere with this but I'll try to keep it clean. The older I get, the farther away "the 70's" get. Nearly 40 years later, we are still celebrating the music born out of the late 60's and early 70's and that is exactly what Augusta has in mind for Saturday night. Classics such as Orleans (who?), Poco (who?), and Firefall (who?) will be taking the stage at Lake Olmstead Stadium at 6pm.
Proximity: I wish I had more information on this but Google has let me down. The conference started last night and runs through Saturday. The focus of the conference is ways in which we can transform the poverty in Augusta by meeting the physical and spiritual needs of members of our city. I can't make it but I'm going to try to procure some audio/visual materials via Calvinist friends.
-Jake
Friday, June 1, 2007
Popular
Popularity is a strange concept. From a musical perspective, it means little more than trendy. Popular music today may not be popular next month or even next week. Popular fashion has a slightly longer time line; often lasting an entire season. In a social context, however, popularity seems to have much more staying power. The popular kids (that's a link to a musical and with that, I relinquish my man card....I wasn't getting much use out of it anyways) in school are, oftentimes, popular from middle school through high school and their popularity is directly related to their coolness. Seven years (longer, maybe, for you over-achievers out there) is a long time to be anything. A few years ago, I was dreamy for a week and it was exhausting. I couldn't imagine trying to pull that off any longer.
Abstract as it may be, I'm determined to get to the bottom of popularity. I mentioned the direct link between coolness and popularity which seems to be strongest during the years of primary education. Something happens post-graduation that breaks this relationship and, as age increases, the correlation between coolness and popularity begins to decrease. What proof do I have? Well, I've got this graph and as toasting sensation (something that my tens of fans continually remind me of), I've got popularity in spades yet I haven't been cool since that incident in 1987. (Seriously though, they don't give away blogger.com accounts to just anyone. Trust me, I know a thing or two about it) However, I do know some cool people whom I would label as popular (even though they aren't regular toasters) so coolness may not be the most important variable. I would suggest something less superficial such as beauty but I haven't always been popular so that can't be the missing link. Ideas? Shoe size, wealth, bicep diameter, baseball card collection, deluded self-view? Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope. They all help but none of them are causal variables. This may go down as one of the world's greatest unanswered questions.
My search will continue. In the mean time, here's some things to do around Augusta this weekend because as the old saying goes, all work and no play sucks.
The Big Mo: It's a drive-in movie theater and it's in the middle of somewhere. More specifically, it's in the middle of the metropolis of Monetta, SC. Why should you go? Well, it's cheap. $6 for a double feature. Also, I'll be there and it's hard to put a price tag on that. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and Wild Hogs. Shows start at darkish, gates open at 6pm. Call me if you're interested...there is a carpool leaving around 5:30.
First Friday: I've been sending these out for a year and I still haven't found a good link for First Friday. Despite that fact, First Friday deserves your attention if only because it is sponsored by Checkers and I lovingly endorse everything Checkers does. If you decide to go, be sure to stick around 'til dark and check out the fire people. Need more reasons? Well, it's also the first day of June and the first day of Hurricane season and First Friday maybe the only way to celebrate such an occasion.
Commissioning: Yeah, I know...this is hardly something anyone gets very excited about, but I'd be remiss to ignore it. If you're a regular here, you know that I'm headed to Nicaragua with a group of the finest people Augusta has to offer (I'm not sure how I got invited, either) and our official commissioning is Sunday night at 6:30pm at Warren Baptist Church. If you're not already booked, come on out and let us know you'll be thinking of us and we'll let you know the feeling is mutual.
Blah blah blah, Insert something remotely related to the rest of the post here, blah blah blah. It's Friday so stop reading and get out there any enjoy it because it will be seven days before the two of you cross paths again. Relationships that rare deserve celebration.
-Jake
Abstract as it may be, I'm determined to get to the bottom of popularity. I mentioned the direct link between coolness and popularity which seems to be strongest during the years of primary education. Something happens post-graduation that breaks this relationship and, as age increases, the correlation between coolness and popularity begins to decrease. What proof do I have? Well, I've got this graph and as toasting sensation (something that my tens of fans continually remind me of), I've got popularity in spades yet I haven't been cool since that incident in 1987. (Seriously though, they don't give away blogger.com accounts to just anyone. Trust me, I know a thing or two about it) However, I do know some cool people whom I would label as popular (even though they aren't regular toasters) so coolness may not be the most important variable. I would suggest something less superficial such as beauty but I haven't always been popular so that can't be the missing link. Ideas? Shoe size, wealth, bicep diameter, baseball card collection, deluded self-view? Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope. They all help but none of them are causal variables. This may go down as one of the world's greatest unanswered questions.
My search will continue. In the mean time, here's some things to do around Augusta this weekend because as the old saying goes, all work and no play sucks.
The Big Mo: It's a drive-in movie theater and it's in the middle of somewhere. More specifically, it's in the middle of the metropolis of Monetta, SC. Why should you go? Well, it's cheap. $6 for a double feature. Also, I'll be there and it's hard to put a price tag on that. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and Wild Hogs. Shows start at darkish, gates open at 6pm. Call me if you're interested...there is a carpool leaving around 5:30.
First Friday: I've been sending these out for a year and I still haven't found a good link for First Friday. Despite that fact, First Friday deserves your attention if only because it is sponsored by Checkers and I lovingly endorse everything Checkers does. If you decide to go, be sure to stick around 'til dark and check out the fire people. Need more reasons? Well, it's also the first day of June and the first day of Hurricane season and First Friday maybe the only way to celebrate such an occasion.
Commissioning: Yeah, I know...this is hardly something anyone gets very excited about, but I'd be remiss to ignore it. If you're a regular here, you know that I'm headed to Nicaragua with a group of the finest people Augusta has to offer (I'm not sure how I got invited, either) and our official commissioning is Sunday night at 6:30pm at Warren Baptist Church. If you're not already booked, come on out and let us know you'll be thinking of us and we'll let you know the feeling is mutual.
Blah blah blah, Insert something remotely related to the rest of the post here, blah blah blah. It's Friday so stop reading and get out there any enjoy it because it will be seven days before the two of you cross paths again. Relationships that rare deserve celebration.
-Jake
Friday, May 25, 2007
Quantastic
We've been down this road before. I'd love to be more creative but there is something about my Quan class that sucks the life out of me. On a related note, I don't have the slightest clue what "Quan" stands for...I assume quantitative. For the Nancy Drew's in the crowd, the title of the class is Designing, Managing, & Improving Operations and it falls under the Management Science heading the the course catalog. Get back to me when you figure it out and I'll pretend to be interested; I'm getting a lot of practice...I'm taking Quan 6610.
What's quantastic about the class, you might ask. Nothing. I'm glad we were able to clear that up.
The course title is worth discussing. The first thing of note is the course prefix...Quan. I don't spend much time with other human beings so I have to base most of my life experiences on the life experiences of imaginary people....I watch a lot of movies. The first thing I thought of when I was told to sign up for Quan was Rod Tidwell saying "Jerry Maguire, my agent. You're my ambassador of kwan." "This class is going to be awesome. Dr. Grayson is going to be my ambassador of kwan" was my immediate next thought. That is how I think. In reality, Dr. Grayson is not my ambassador of kwan. He is, instead, the ambassador of my 8-11pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The second bit of information worth mentioning is the course number: 6610. Alone, it means very little, but when compared to the other Quan class (6600); you won't need the first four seasons of CSI (you Law & Order folks may need at least the first season) to find the pattern. I wish I had picked out this pattern 2 weeks ago. I also wish I had taken Quan I.
It is the Friday before Memorial Day weekend and you're looking for social ideas here? Sad. I'll see what I can do.
Mo Leverett Concert: How good can this be? I mean seriously, he's a white, Presbyterian preacher singing the blues. Sounds like a train wreck to me. "But," says you "Jake, your suggestions are always the cream of the crop." Ye of little faith. This one will be, too. Check out some music samples here and some life changing samples here. Lakemont Presbyterian at 7pm. Free concert but they will be collecting a "love offering" so bring some money or leave your conscience in the car.
Gospel Fest 2007: Yeah, I'm going to skip this one. Not because I'm not interested, because I'm not, but because I've got something else on my plate for Saturday. But you should totally check it out. You need to stop living your life by the things I do. If Gospel is your thing, the Jessye Norman Amphitheater is your place because they are going to have a whole fest of it on Saturday. Concert starts at 5pm. Free, as far as I can tell.
Memorial Day Concert: Love marching bands? Love Memorial Day? Love America? If you answered 'yes' or 'hell yes' to any of the previous questions then you should head down to the Jessye Norman Amphitheater on Monday evening. I can guarantee lots of flag waving, lots of marches and an awesome evening on the river. Concert is free.
Memorial Day: I'm not sure if you've heard, but it's Memorial Day. You shouldn't even be reading this. Go out. Go on vacation. Go somewhere.
Hope everyone has asafe fun (I'm not your mother) Memorial Day weekend.
-Jake
P.S. In a striking show of either irony or humor, someone decided to make Michelle Kwan an U.S. Ambassador. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ambassador Kwan.
What's quantastic about the class, you might ask. Nothing. I'm glad we were able to clear that up.
The course title is worth discussing. The first thing of note is the course prefix...Quan. I don't spend much time with other human beings so I have to base most of my life experiences on the life experiences of imaginary people....I watch a lot of movies. The first thing I thought of when I was told to sign up for Quan was Rod Tidwell saying "Jerry Maguire, my agent. You're my ambassador of kwan." "This class is going to be awesome. Dr. Grayson is going to be my ambassador of kwan" was my immediate next thought. That is how I think. In reality, Dr. Grayson is not my ambassador of kwan. He is, instead, the ambassador of my 8-11pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The second bit of information worth mentioning is the course number: 6610. Alone, it means very little, but when compared to the other Quan class (6600); you won't need the first four seasons of CSI (you Law & Order folks may need at least the first season) to find the pattern. I wish I had picked out this pattern 2 weeks ago. I also wish I had taken Quan I.
It is the Friday before Memorial Day weekend and you're looking for social ideas here? Sad. I'll see what I can do.
Mo Leverett Concert: How good can this be? I mean seriously, he's a white, Presbyterian preacher singing the blues. Sounds like a train wreck to me. "But," says you "Jake, your suggestions are always the cream of the crop." Ye of little faith. This one will be, too. Check out some music samples here and some life changing samples here. Lakemont Presbyterian at 7pm. Free concert but they will be collecting a "love offering" so bring some money or leave your conscience in the car.
Gospel Fest 2007: Yeah, I'm going to skip this one. Not because I'm not interested, because I'm not, but because I've got something else on my plate for Saturday. But you should totally check it out. You need to stop living your life by the things I do. If Gospel is your thing, the Jessye Norman Amphitheater is your place because they are going to have a whole fest of it on Saturday. Concert starts at 5pm. Free, as far as I can tell.
Memorial Day Concert: Love marching bands? Love Memorial Day? Love America? If you answered 'yes' or 'hell yes' to any of the previous questions then you should head down to the Jessye Norman Amphitheater on Monday evening. I can guarantee lots of flag waving, lots of marches and an awesome evening on the river. Concert is free.
Memorial Day: I'm not sure if you've heard, but it's Memorial Day. You shouldn't even be reading this. Go out. Go on vacation. Go somewhere.
Hope everyone has a
-Jake
P.S. In a striking show of either irony or humor, someone decided to make Michelle Kwan an U.S. Ambassador. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ambassador Kwan.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Support Letter
Dear Friend,
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.
If the length of this letter and the included self-addressed stamped envelope did not give the game away; then I will end the mystery now: This is a support letter. More specifically, this is a letter to ask you to support me in an upcoming mission trip (June 9-17) to Nicaragua in which our ten-member team, led by WBC Singles Minister Sean Allen, will focus on meeting two distinct but important needs. First, we will be working with local missionaries to help meet the physical and nutritional needs of the orphan population in the cities of Leon and Matagalpa. Second, we will be aiding in the construction of a dormitory facility which will house full-time missionaries in the area.
I never fancied myself as being much of a missionary so I was very uneasy when the organizers asked me to join the team. Initially hesitant, I retracted and told myself “you aren’t holy enough for this kind of work. You don’t have a story to tell. You can’t make a difference.” Then I realized that I was right. I’m not holy enough for this kind of work…but God is. I don’t have a story to tell…but God does. I can’t make a difference…but God can. I realized that we are merely the medium God chooses to relay His message and His love to the world. God needed nothing more than my willingness to serve and He wanted me to leave all of my other concerns in His hands. I’m prayerfully working on that.
Now comes the hard part of the letter. The asking part is difficult because I have convinced myself that asking for support is, somehow, the same as admitting to a weakness or an internal flaw. I’m working on that, too. So, I need your help in two very important areas. First, I need prayer. I need you to pray for our team so that we will, in all circumstances, seek the guidance of God. Our trip will be a success if we can keep our eye on the prize and remember why we are doing this work. Beyond prayer, I need money. The total cost of the trip is $1350, all of which is due May 30th. If you choose to support me financially, please make your check payable to Warren Baptist Church. Also, please designate my name and the name of the mission trip (Jake London - Nicaragua) in the “Memo” field. Support is support, in my book, and I will cherish whichever method you choose, be it in prayer or financial support.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely seeking to Serve God,
Jake London
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits.
If the length of this letter and the included self-addressed stamped envelope did not give the game away; then I will end the mystery now: This is a support letter. More specifically, this is a letter to ask you to support me in an upcoming mission trip (June 9-17) to Nicaragua in which our ten-member team, led by WBC Singles Minister Sean Allen, will focus on meeting two distinct but important needs. First, we will be working with local missionaries to help meet the physical and nutritional needs of the orphan population in the cities of Leon and Matagalpa. Second, we will be aiding in the construction of a dormitory facility which will house full-time missionaries in the area.
I never fancied myself as being much of a missionary so I was very uneasy when the organizers asked me to join the team. Initially hesitant, I retracted and told myself “you aren’t holy enough for this kind of work. You don’t have a story to tell. You can’t make a difference.” Then I realized that I was right. I’m not holy enough for this kind of work…but God is. I don’t have a story to tell…but God does. I can’t make a difference…but God can. I realized that we are merely the medium God chooses to relay His message and His love to the world. God needed nothing more than my willingness to serve and He wanted me to leave all of my other concerns in His hands. I’m prayerfully working on that.
Now comes the hard part of the letter. The asking part is difficult because I have convinced myself that asking for support is, somehow, the same as admitting to a weakness or an internal flaw. I’m working on that, too. So, I need your help in two very important areas. First, I need prayer. I need you to pray for our team so that we will, in all circumstances, seek the guidance of God. Our trip will be a success if we can keep our eye on the prize and remember why we are doing this work. Beyond prayer, I need money. The total cost of the trip is $1350, all of which is due May 30th. If you choose to support me financially, please make your check payable to Warren Baptist Church. Also, please designate my name and the name of the mission trip (Jake London - Nicaragua) in the “Memo” field. Support is support, in my book, and I will cherish whichever method you choose, be it in prayer or financial support.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely seeking to Serve God,
Jake London
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Support
Have you ever been on a mission trip (is there anything Wikipedia can't do)? Awkward opening? Ok, I'll try a different angle. Have you ever been on a mission trip? Tact is not a gift...well, it is a gift, just not my gift. All the same, I am going on a mission trip (they really will let anyone in, nowadays). Surprised? Yeah, me too. But Jake, you're not holy enough for that kind of stuff? Yeah, that's what I said. It turns out that doesn't really matter....you just have to be willing enough. Who knew?
All right kids, I'm sandbagging (UD is falling apart) my performance this week. Like I said (wrote?), I am going on a mission trip to Nicaragua and just finished typing my support letter. As a result, I'm fresh out of anything intelligible to say...you've got to assume I once had something intelligible to say and that I included those things in my support letter. A big assumption, no doubt but work with me people.
If you've ever written a support letter then you know what I've just gone through. It was a harrowing experience to say the least. I have difficulty asking someone for a dollar or to hold the elevator. Imagine the stones it takes to ask someone to pray for you. Exactly...I had to borrow a pair.
Consider this your official notice, Summer is back, again. I know this because I am an internet toasting superstar and I have access to that kind of information. I get the memos. You lay people have to rely on less obvious things like noticing the sudden increase in temperature, humidity, and outdoor activities available this weekend.
Augusta Canal Tours: I wouldn't recommend floating in the Augusta Canal but I fully endorse floating on the Augusta Canal. Small difference, maybe but your physician will thank you. I've been on one of the twilight canal tours and it was fantastic. Twenty bucks is a steal so bring a date or me, you sly fox.
Candlelight Jazz: The folks over at Garden City Jazz are kind enough to entertain any and all comers every Sunday night from May to August. The concert is outdoors at the 8th street bulkhead on the Riverwalk. Bring a picnic basket and your dancing shoes. Guys, seriously you have to trust me on the dancing thing. She knows you can't dance she just wants you to try. Shows are $6 and start at 8pm.
Appleby Garden Series: I don't really know how to sell something like this so I'm going to try a little free word association. Free, Outdoor Concert, Free, Summer, Free, Evenings, Free, Eclectic, Free, Southern, Free, Library, Free, Garden Party, Free, Tuesday, Free. Marketing is not my strong suit. I'm much better at Jenga! Shows start at 8pm every Tuesday in May and June. The show is free but donations, which benefit the library, are accepted.
Nicaragua Mission Team: While not exactly something to do, this trip certainly deserves mention. Also, you might have noticed that this is my toaster and I'll do what I want. I've included this item because the whole team needs your support. Prayer, Money, you name it; we need it. We are leaving June 9th and returning June 17th. The focus of our trip is working with orphans and building housing for other missionaries in the area. Team Members: Anna, Anne, Cassie, Charlie, Clint, Jake, Kristin, Pete, Trent, Sean for those of you who like to pray for people by name.
The weather is wonderful this time of year, so get out there and enjoy every second of it.
-Jake
All right kids, I'm sandbagging (UD is falling apart) my performance this week. Like I said (wrote?), I am going on a mission trip to Nicaragua and just finished typing my support letter. As a result, I'm fresh out of anything intelligible to say...you've got to assume I once had something intelligible to say and that I included those things in my support letter. A big assumption, no doubt but work with me people.
If you've ever written a support letter then you know what I've just gone through. It was a harrowing experience to say the least. I have difficulty asking someone for a dollar or to hold the elevator. Imagine the stones it takes to ask someone to pray for you. Exactly...I had to borrow a pair.
Consider this your official notice, Summer is back, again. I know this because I am an internet toasting superstar and I have access to that kind of information. I get the memos. You lay people have to rely on less obvious things like noticing the sudden increase in temperature, humidity, and outdoor activities available this weekend.
Augusta Canal Tours: I wouldn't recommend floating in the Augusta Canal but I fully endorse floating on the Augusta Canal. Small difference, maybe but your physician will thank you. I've been on one of the twilight canal tours and it was fantastic. Twenty bucks is a steal so bring a date or me, you sly fox.
Candlelight Jazz: The folks over at Garden City Jazz are kind enough to entertain any and all comers every Sunday night from May to August. The concert is outdoors at the 8th street bulkhead on the Riverwalk. Bring a picnic basket and your dancing shoes. Guys, seriously you have to trust me on the dancing thing. She knows you can't dance she just wants you to try. Shows are $6 and start at 8pm.
Appleby Garden Series: I don't really know how to sell something like this so I'm going to try a little free word association. Free, Outdoor Concert, Free, Summer, Free, Evenings, Free, Eclectic, Free, Southern, Free, Library, Free, Garden Party, Free, Tuesday, Free. Marketing is not my strong suit. I'm much better at Jenga! Shows start at 8pm every Tuesday in May and June. The show is free but donations, which benefit the library, are accepted.
Nicaragua Mission Team: While not exactly something to do, this trip certainly deserves mention. Also, you might have noticed that this is my toaster and I'll do what I want. I've included this item because the whole team needs your support. Prayer, Money, you name it; we need it. We are leaving June 9th and returning June 17th. The focus of our trip is working with orphans and building housing for other missionaries in the area. Team Members: Anna, Anne, Cassie, Charlie, Clint, Jake, Kristin, Pete, Trent, Sean for those of you who like to pray for people by name.
The weather is wonderful this time of year, so get out there and enjoy every second of it.
-Jake
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Dude (looks like a lady)
Any Aerosmith fans in the crowd? Boy, I hope so. If you're here for the title and you're not an Aerosmith fan then I hope you're a fan of disappointment. You see, the title is a reference to a classic song from 1987 by one of the greatest hair bands of all time. It is not a reference to any personal experiences....well, not yet.
That's a sentence I don't ever want to write again.
I suppose I have some explaining to do. Despite what it looks like, this is not a blog. It's a toaster. It is also not a confessional. I'm not prepping you for The Crying Game 2: Something is Missing and I am certainly not trying to get out of something. Honestly, I'm just trying to raise a little cash (I don't think I mean what you think I mean...at least I hope I don't) because the doctors tell me that there could be a cure and their hands are tied unless they get more money.
I'm talking about cancer (what did you think I was talking about....). They are talking about a cure. We are all doing our part. What does that have to do with cross dressing? I'm glad you asked. As the junior member of our team, the lowest earner, and the proprietor of the sexiest legs, I've been nominated to represent our team in the Miss Relay Pageant (OMG). Shocked? You ain't seen nothin' yet, sister.
Now for the obvious segue into all the out and about stuff in Augusta. Boy, that was awkward.
Relay For Life: Obvious first choice or shameless plug. Both, probably. If you've never been to Relay, you are not only missing a great time but you are also missing an opportunity to support an organization who's mission is a cure for cancer; a disease that has, in one way, touched all of our lives. Oh yeah, and I'll be dressed as a stone cold fox. 7p Friday - 7a Saturday. FYI, our team leader is #2 on the solo fund raiser list so drop a little extra support her way if you're so inclined.
La Boheme: If you want an honest opinion on this one you should probably talk to someone who likes opera or speaks Italian or values honesty. Because I don't, I don't and...well, it's a trend....not long division. Timing aside (far too much going on this weekend), I think it is great that Augusta can attract these types of performances and I encourage you; if it's your bag, baby, to check it out Friday or Saturday at the Imperial Theatre. Tickets start at $15.
Blind Willie McTell: As a friend once said, who would think that you would have to go to a cow pasture in the middle of Thomson, GA to hear some of the best blues in the south? Not me, my friend...not me. If you've never been then $25, a map, and a tank of gas will fix that. The festival is "Rain or Shine" (it's in quotes on their web page so it's in quotes in my toaster) and it starts at 11 on Saturday and ends around dark/dark:30.
Aiken Bluegrass Festival: If you like your music in a shade of blue and 30 miles from Augusta, this is your weekend. No one does obscure music festivals better than Aiken so you are in for a treat if you decide to go. Make sure you stay to the end because the headliner, Sam Bush, is fantastic. If you don't want to like Bluegrass music, you should stay home....seriously. The festival starts at noon on Saturday and ends somewhere near midnight.. $15 at the gate.
Mother's Day: If you can't get home to see your mother on Sunday, then swing by and say hey to my mom. Maybe, if enough people come by, she'll forget that I didn't get her anything.
Augusta has a lot going on this weekend....do you? I hope so.
-Jake
That's a sentence I don't ever want to write again.
I suppose I have some explaining to do. Despite what it looks like, this is not a blog. It's a toaster. It is also not a confessional. I'm not prepping you for The Crying Game 2: Something is Missing and I am certainly not trying to get out of something. Honestly, I'm just trying to raise a little cash (I don't think I mean what you think I mean...at least I hope I don't) because the doctors tell me that there could be a cure and their hands are tied unless they get more money.
I'm talking about cancer (what did you think I was talking about....). They are talking about a cure. We are all doing our part. What does that have to do with cross dressing? I'm glad you asked. As the junior member of our team, the lowest earner, and the proprietor of the sexiest legs, I've been nominated to represent our team in the Miss Relay Pageant (OMG). Shocked? You ain't seen nothin' yet, sister.
Now for the obvious segue into all the out and about stuff in Augusta. Boy, that was awkward.
Relay For Life: Obvious first choice or shameless plug. Both, probably. If you've never been to Relay, you are not only missing a great time but you are also missing an opportunity to support an organization who's mission is a cure for cancer; a disease that has, in one way, touched all of our lives. Oh yeah, and I'll be dressed as a stone cold fox. 7p Friday - 7a Saturday. FYI, our team leader is #2 on the solo fund raiser list so drop a little extra support her way if you're so inclined.
La Boheme: If you want an honest opinion on this one you should probably talk to someone who likes opera or speaks Italian or values honesty. Because I don't, I don't and...well, it's a trend....not long division. Timing aside (far too much going on this weekend), I think it is great that Augusta can attract these types of performances and I encourage you; if it's your bag, baby, to check it out Friday or Saturday at the Imperial Theatre. Tickets start at $15.
Blind Willie McTell: As a friend once said, who would think that you would have to go to a cow pasture in the middle of Thomson, GA to hear some of the best blues in the south? Not me, my friend...not me. If you've never been then $25, a map, and a tank of gas will fix that. The festival is "Rain or Shine" (it's in quotes on their web page so it's in quotes in my toaster) and it starts at 11 on Saturday and ends around dark/dark:30.
Aiken Bluegrass Festival: If you like your music in a shade of blue and 30 miles from Augusta, this is your weekend. No one does obscure music festivals better than Aiken so you are in for a treat if you decide to go. Make sure you stay to the end because the headliner, Sam Bush, is fantastic. If you don't want to like Bluegrass music, you should stay home....seriously. The festival starts at noon on Saturday and ends somewhere near midnight.. $15 at the gate.
Mother's Day: If you can't get home to see your mother on Sunday, then swing by and say hey to my mom. Maybe, if enough people come by, she'll forget that I didn't get her anything.
Augusta has a lot going on this weekend....do you? I hope so.
-Jake
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Thank You Blog
I don't like religious people. Maybe I should rephrase that a bit.
I don't like really religious people. That's a bit better but it's still not quite right. You see, the "really" of that sentence is the key word. It should be in italics. And, it is not an issue of not liking religious people so much as it is an issue of not liking people that are really anything; be it religious people, liberal people, conservative people, cat people. If your world ebbs and flows with the Green Bay Packers or U2 then we aren't going to get along very well. Don't worry, I'll be ok.
Having firmly established my position as a moderate centrist, I am now going to establish myself as a moderate centrist hypocrite and tell a very really religious story.
I was a key player in a car accident on Easter Sunday 100 yards from the Church I've been attending while I was on my way to buy Breakfast for a friend. I think they call this foreshadowing. The accident was tragic and horrible and frightening and painful but that isn't the point is it? My accident is merely a position on the time line of a much larger story.
In an Ebay auction the seller sets a price that he believes to be fair and the buyer determines the actual worth of the item. If only one person bids then the item...let's call it a weed eater...is essentially worth what that person pays. However, things get really interesting when more than one person bids on the weed eater. Bid after bid is someone else in the community saying "I think that weed eater is worth more." Sellers like large communities.
Several weeks ago I was having doubts about whether or not I belonged in a certain community. I felt that it was a community I wanted desperately to be a part of but I was unsure whether or not they felt the same. You see I had been selling myself and I hadn't received any bids. So, I took my issue up with God and asked Him for a little perspective on the situation and then I got hit by a Chevy.
By 9:00 am on that Easter Sunday I had received 3 phone calls and 4 visitors and this was just the beginning. Over the course of my hospital stay, friends and family came, figuratively, out of the woodwork. Phone calls, text messages, paper air planes, chocolate eggs, magazines, hugs, hand shakes, cards, smiles, tears, shoulders and taxis. People from my community were aching to love me. They had been aching to love me. The problem was that I wasn't accepting any bids, before. Now, it isn't an option. The bids are rolling in and I can't do anything to stop them. It turns out that the worth was there all along.
God had to break my ribs to heal my spirit. It was a fair trade.
Now, about that title. To Alicia, Anna, Anne, Amy, Amy, Ben, Bill, Cassie, Cathy, Charlie, Christel, Christine, Claire, Clint, Dan, Dayna, Debra, Denise, Doug, Elizabeth, Jack, Jay, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jon, Judy, Julia, Julie, Kristin, Lauren, Matt, Meredith, Miriam, Mozelle, Nicole, Patrick, Patsy, Peggy, Rich, Rick, Robert, Ruth, Sam, Sara, Stan, Suzanne, Tommy, Trent, and the other I undoubtedly forgot...Thank you for being a part of my community and thank you letting me be a part of yours. I can't wait to see where our story goes next.
-Jake
I don't like really religious people. That's a bit better but it's still not quite right. You see, the "really" of that sentence is the key word. It should be in italics. And, it is not an issue of not liking religious people so much as it is an issue of not liking people that are really anything; be it religious people, liberal people, conservative people, cat people. If your world ebbs and flows with the Green Bay Packers or U2 then we aren't going to get along very well. Don't worry, I'll be ok.
Having firmly established my position as a moderate centrist, I am now going to establish myself as a moderate centrist hypocrite and tell a very really religious story.
I was a key player in a car accident on Easter Sunday 100 yards from the Church I've been attending while I was on my way to buy Breakfast for a friend. I think they call this foreshadowing. The accident was tragic and horrible and frightening and painful but that isn't the point is it? My accident is merely a position on the time line of a much larger story.
In an Ebay auction the seller sets a price that he believes to be fair and the buyer determines the actual worth of the item. If only one person bids then the item...let's call it a weed eater...is essentially worth what that person pays. However, things get really interesting when more than one person bids on the weed eater. Bid after bid is someone else in the community saying "I think that weed eater is worth more." Sellers like large communities.
Several weeks ago I was having doubts about whether or not I belonged in a certain community. I felt that it was a community I wanted desperately to be a part of but I was unsure whether or not they felt the same. You see I had been selling myself and I hadn't received any bids. So, I took my issue up with God and asked Him for a little perspective on the situation and then I got hit by a Chevy.
By 9:00 am on that Easter Sunday I had received 3 phone calls and 4 visitors and this was just the beginning. Over the course of my hospital stay, friends and family came, figuratively, out of the woodwork. Phone calls, text messages, paper air planes, chocolate eggs, magazines, hugs, hand shakes, cards, smiles, tears, shoulders and taxis. People from my community were aching to love me. They had been aching to love me. The problem was that I wasn't accepting any bids, before. Now, it isn't an option. The bids are rolling in and I can't do anything to stop them. It turns out that the worth was there all along.
God had to break my ribs to heal my spirit. It was a fair trade.
Now, about that title. To Alicia, Anna, Anne, Amy, Amy, Ben, Bill, Cassie, Cathy, Charlie, Christel, Christine, Claire, Clint, Dan, Dayna, Debra, Denise, Doug, Elizabeth, Jack, Jay, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jon, Judy, Julia, Julie, Kristin, Lauren, Matt, Meredith, Miriam, Mozelle, Nicole, Patrick, Patsy, Peggy, Rich, Rick, Robert, Ruth, Sam, Sara, Stan, Suzanne, Tommy, Trent, and the other I undoubtedly forgot...Thank you for being a part of my community and thank you letting me be a part of yours. I can't wait to see where our story goes next.
-Jake
Friday, March 30, 2007
I'm a Maaaaaniac, Maaaaaaaniac
On the floor and I'm dancing like I've never danced before. That is a pop-culture reference so here are the obligatory lyrics, video and YTMND links. Wait...YTMND!? Great googley moogley, this toaster is really starting to fall apart. Remember this date (3/30/07) because it marks the first and hopefully last time that I ever link to YTMND. As you can see, it was worth it. Tense errors aside, the title sums up last Saturday night pretty well. You see, I was in a wedding and I've never met a dance floor at a wedding I didn't like.
I said "never" and I'm afraid I'm building this relationship on a foundation of lies. I haven't always been the wedding addict that I am today. Right around the time I was getting out of college and all of my friends were taking the logical (what?) next step of marriage; I hated weddings. I hated buying gifts, getting dressed up, sitting through the ceremony, receptions, "and guests" and RSVP x 1's....all of it. Who knows why I despised them so much...I'm sure we'll couch that question one day and get to the bottom of it...But, like all lulls, the important question isn't "why the lull." The important question is whether or not I'm still in the valley of despair and the answer to that question is a footloose and fancy free NO. (Spoiler Alert: Yucky love stuff ahead) A more talented writer than myself would insert a poignant metaphor. I'll attempt nothing of the sort. Let's just say that I realized that, if I ever plan on finding love, I should probably start paying attention to what it actually looks like. Honestly, other than the events of last night (a story that is not mine to tell), there is hardly a better place to locate love (free food, free alcohol, dancing or single women) than a wedding. You can quote me on that.
It's spring and, while I'm falling in love with my allergy medicine, everyone else is falling in love with someone. So, you probably don't need to read any further. IF you are reading further and you have an abnormally small number (< 1)Y chromosomes, I have got an offer for YOU.
Mayor's Masters Receptions: I can already see that this is going to be the Masters Edition of my to-do list. It's hardly avoidable. If you are in town, you should totally check this out. Free food and drink down at the soon-to-be defunct Golf Hall of Fame. The weather is the only thing that could bogey this event (that was a really bad golf reference...you're welcome). Monday, 5pm-dark
Drive for Show. Rock fore Dough: No mulligans on this one. A concert like this, literally, only comes to Augusta once a year so you better take advantage of it while it's here. Dashboard Confessional, Cheap Trick, and Corey Smith for $25, part of which goes to the First Tee. Sounds like a good time and a clear conscience to me. Next Tuesday. Show starts at 5:30pm.
Last Call: I have a really hard time telling anyone they should go to Last Call so you can assume this will be worth it. They have 3; count 'em, three concerts next week that demand your attention. It's a hole-in-one, really. The annual Par 3 after party is featuring the Swingin' Medallions. Thursday night Drivin' and Cryin' will perform. Finally, Friday night will again feature the Swingin' Medallions. Also, All concerts are in the parking lot outside of Last Call and that's a good thing. Concerts start...that's about all the info I could find. Best guess is 7pm. Tix are $11-$16.
The Masters: By typing their name over there, I'm risking being sued so if you go, don't tell them I sent you. The tournament has become the tournament to attend lately. I think Martha Burke actually hurt her cause with her crusade because Masters Badges are becoming the hardest ticket to get in all of sports. Years ago I would have told you to hang out outside of the main gate and just ask someone for a ticket but that method is now defunct. Expect to really pay if you don't already have tickets.
Hope everyone has a great weekend and even better Masters Week. Also, keep an eye out for visual evidence of my wedding escapades. I'm hoping to track down some pictures for all you ladies out there.
-Jake
I said "never" and I'm afraid I'm building this relationship on a foundation of lies. I haven't always been the wedding addict that I am today. Right around the time I was getting out of college and all of my friends were taking the logical (what?) next step of marriage; I hated weddings. I hated buying gifts, getting dressed up, sitting through the ceremony, receptions, "and guests" and RSVP x 1's....all of it. Who knows why I despised them so much...I'm sure we'll couch that question one day and get to the bottom of it...But, like all lulls, the important question isn't "why the lull." The important question is whether or not I'm still in the valley of despair and the answer to that question is a footloose and fancy free NO. (Spoiler Alert: Yucky love stuff ahead) A more talented writer than myself would insert a poignant metaphor. I'll attempt nothing of the sort. Let's just say that I realized that, if I ever plan on finding love, I should probably start paying attention to what it actually looks like. Honestly, other than the events of last night (a story that is not mine to tell), there is hardly a better place to locate love (free food, free alcohol, dancing or single women) than a wedding. You can quote me on that.
It's spring and, while I'm falling in love with my allergy medicine, everyone else is falling in love with someone. So, you probably don't need to read any further. IF you are reading further and you have an abnormally small number (< 1)Y chromosomes, I have got an offer for YOU.
Mayor's Masters Receptions: I can already see that this is going to be the Masters Edition of my to-do list. It's hardly avoidable. If you are in town, you should totally check this out. Free food and drink down at the soon-to-be defunct Golf Hall of Fame. The weather is the only thing that could bogey this event (that was a really bad golf reference...you're welcome). Monday, 5pm-dark
Drive for Show. Rock fore Dough: No mulligans on this one. A concert like this, literally, only comes to Augusta once a year so you better take advantage of it while it's here. Dashboard Confessional, Cheap Trick, and Corey Smith for $25, part of which goes to the First Tee. Sounds like a good time and a clear conscience to me. Next Tuesday. Show starts at 5:30pm.
Last Call: I have a really hard time telling anyone they should go to Last Call so you can assume this will be worth it. They have 3; count 'em, three concerts next week that demand your attention. It's a hole-in-one, really. The annual Par 3 after party is featuring the Swingin' Medallions. Thursday night Drivin' and Cryin' will perform. Finally, Friday night will again feature the Swingin' Medallions. Also, All concerts are in the parking lot outside of Last Call and that's a good thing. Concerts start...that's about all the info I could find. Best guess is 7pm. Tix are $11-$16.
The Masters: By typing their name over there, I'm risking being sued so if you go, don't tell them I sent you. The tournament has become the tournament to attend lately. I think Martha Burke actually hurt her cause with her crusade because Masters Badges are becoming the hardest ticket to get in all of sports. Years ago I would have told you to hang out outside of the main gate and just ask someone for a ticket but that method is now defunct. Expect to really pay if you don't already have tickets.
Hope everyone has a great weekend and even better Masters Week. Also, keep an eye out for visual evidence of my wedding escapades. I'm hoping to track down some pictures for all you ladies out there.
-Jake
Thursday, March 22, 2007
LOL? Really, LOL?
I'm old so you'll have to forgive my out-of-touch-ed-ness but I just can't figure out this whole internet slang thing. Feeling misled? Right now you are probably thinking "I've really got to use the bathroom...I don't have time to read this whole blog." It's ok. I'll wait. Feel better? Now you're thinking "But Jake, you play World of Warcraft, you write blogs, you are on MySpace, you have a Computer Science degree, you plant trees. You have your finger on the pulse of the internet." These things are all true (you forgot I'm a 7.0 on HotorNot.com...forgiven) but the lingo crept up without my oversight or approval. This isn't really a major concern. I mean, I can still communicate with my Swedish swim wear model, internet girlfriend (sorry ladies, I'm taken) but I feel like I need a babelfish filter on my intstant messenger everytime I talk to her.
Perhaps more aggravating than the language is the proper use of the language...the crammer of the internet, if you will. I mean, I've had more than a few (7 to be exact) face-to-face conversations with real people it is a lot harder to get a sincere laugh out loud out of someone than it is on the internet; I've never actually seen anyone roll on the floor laughing; and while I have no idea how a roflcopter would manifest itself in nature, I'm pretty sure I've never seen one. But one trip through the comments section on YouTube will tell you that some really lame stuff will evoke some really serious guffaws. I saw one comment where a guy littered his sentence (I use "sentence" in the loosest sense of the word....combination of misspelled verbs and nouns is more accurate) with "LOL" as if it could take the place of a comma. I guess he was laughing while typing and he wanted us to know. Thanks. Is the internet an inherently funnier place? Maybe humor is on a grading scale like in gymnastics where you get some points just for attempting a difficult maneuver. Typing a particularly long joke will earn you at least a lowercase lol and the slightest bit of humor will warrant any varied combination of capitalization.
I'm an elitist so I only type "lol" when I'm really sitting alone in front of my keyboard laughing at something I see. The degree to which I'm laughing
will vary in the standard manner. Caps means I'm laughing moderately hard while "rofflemayo" means I'm probably at work and the combination of the humor and the fact that I can't really laugh out loud is making the situation that much more amusing. Honesty is the best policy...not the funniest.
Like a fly in your chardonnay, I find it ironic that I would write about social behaviors on the internet in a toaster who's main purpose is to provide social outlets in the real world. On second thought, I probably don't know the meaning of the word "Ironic."
A Day of Art Festival: Granted, it's an art festival but something the name fails to communicate is that it is a free art festival so the return on investment will be significant. You can check out local artists pretty much all day Friday and Saturday down that the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art. The number of laughs to be had will be directly proportional to the number of paintings done by the guy that painted all the stuff hanging on the walls in Nacho Mamas.
Dido and Aeneas: It's an opera. That's pretty much it. I don't think you realize how difficult it is to write something about opera. It's in English. I'm spent. The ASU Music Dept is running the show and tickets are $10 and performances are Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Maxwell Theater. Patricia Myers says it is a "wonderful example of a small-scale baroque opera and 17th century masque entertainment" so it should be....hilarious.
Houghton Hussle: I love the names they come up with for these street races and I love the cause behind this particular race. The proceeds of this race go to help support Heritage Academy and that seems like a good thing to me. Regristration starts at the God-awful hour of 7am on Saturday. Don't expect to see me down there but not because it's early but because my heart is 2 sizes too small and I have ice water coursing through my veins. If you have a heart, it will cost you $22 to prove it....so go prove it.
Drive For Show! Rock Fore Dough: Nothing gets people in the giving mood like a little self-loathing music. Hmm...let me rephrase that. Nothing convinces overly dramatic teenagers to part with their money like a fine mix of pop-culture and self-loathing. Better. Dashboard Confessional is the headliner at the 3rd Annual concert to raise money for First Tee and you can help by dropping $25 in advance for tickets. The show is April 3rd at First Tee.
So....LOL? lol? col? (chuckle out loud). No? I must be doing something wrong. I guess I should be happy that there are no acronyms for boisterous negative reactions. ROFMTLRT (rolling on the floor mourning the time I lost reading this) maybe?
-Jake
Perhaps more aggravating than the language is the proper use of the language...the crammer of the internet, if you will. I mean, I've had more than a few (7 to be exact) face-to-face conversations with real people it is a lot harder to get a sincere laugh out loud out of someone than it is on the internet; I've never actually seen anyone roll on the floor laughing; and while I have no idea how a roflcopter would manifest itself in nature, I'm pretty sure I've never seen one. But one trip through the comments section on YouTube will tell you that some really lame stuff will evoke some really serious guffaws. I saw one comment where a guy littered his sentence (I use "sentence" in the loosest sense of the word....combination of misspelled verbs and nouns is more accurate) with "LOL" as if it could take the place of a comma. I guess he was laughing while typing and he wanted us to know. Thanks. Is the internet an inherently funnier place? Maybe humor is on a grading scale like in gymnastics where you get some points just for attempting a difficult maneuver. Typing a particularly long joke will earn you at least a lowercase lol and the slightest bit of humor will warrant any varied combination of capitalization.
I'm an elitist so I only type "lol" when I'm really sitting alone in front of my keyboard laughing at something I see. The degree to which I'm laughing
will vary in the standard manner. Caps means I'm laughing moderately hard while "rofflemayo" means I'm probably at work and the combination of the humor and the fact that I can't really laugh out loud is making the situation that much more amusing. Honesty is the best policy...not the funniest.
Like a fly in your chardonnay, I find it ironic that I would write about social behaviors on the internet in a toaster who's main purpose is to provide social outlets in the real world. On second thought, I probably don't know the meaning of the word "Ironic."
A Day of Art Festival: Granted, it's an art festival but something the name fails to communicate is that it is a free art festival so the return on investment will be significant. You can check out local artists pretty much all day Friday and Saturday down that the Gertrude Herbert Institute of Art. The number of laughs to be had will be directly proportional to the number of paintings done by the guy that painted all the stuff hanging on the walls in Nacho Mamas.
Dido and Aeneas: It's an opera. That's pretty much it. I don't think you realize how difficult it is to write something about opera. It's in English. I'm spent. The ASU Music Dept is running the show and tickets are $10 and performances are Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Maxwell Theater. Patricia Myers says it is a "wonderful example of a small-scale baroque opera and 17th century masque entertainment" so it should be....hilarious.
Houghton Hussle: I love the names they come up with for these street races and I love the cause behind this particular race. The proceeds of this race go to help support Heritage Academy and that seems like a good thing to me. Regristration starts at the God-awful hour of 7am on Saturday. Don't expect to see me down there but not because it's early but because my heart is 2 sizes too small and I have ice water coursing through my veins. If you have a heart, it will cost you $22 to prove it....so go prove it.
Drive For Show! Rock Fore Dough: Nothing gets people in the giving mood like a little self-loathing music. Hmm...let me rephrase that. Nothing convinces overly dramatic teenagers to part with their money like a fine mix of pop-culture and self-loathing. Better. Dashboard Confessional is the headliner at the 3rd Annual concert to raise money for First Tee and you can help by dropping $25 in advance for tickets. The show is April 3rd at First Tee.
So....LOL? lol? col? (chuckle out loud). No? I must be doing something wrong. I guess I should be happy that there are no acronyms for boisterous negative reactions. ROFMTLRT (rolling on the floor mourning the time I lost reading this) maybe?
-Jake
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Life as a Blog
I haven't written one of these in a long time so I'm hoping the bicycle theory applies to whatever it is that I do here. My gut tells me this won't be the case and that I shouldn't have had that second slice of pizza (FYI: Pizza Joint pizza is big). Either way, we're in for a bumpy ride.
We're (the royal We're...me, myself, and I) approaching my 1 year anniversary on MySpace which means we are also approaching my one year anniversary of writing these blogs (they didn't become toasters 'til the Summer). Looking back, it is quite obvious that my little weekly tradition has changed, for better or worse, the way I view the world.
I've always been a bit of an entertainer. Not so much in the macro sense that I long for the spotlight rather more toward the micro, individual level. I like telling stories and love making people laugh...one day I'll be good at either...so I've always been influenced by the things in my life that other people seem to enjoy. For a long time, it was Bill Cosby and Jerry Seinfield. So most of my stories started with "what's the deal with" (my favorite ending to that is "chicken McNuggets...if it's McMade of what I McThink it is, I'm not McEating it") and I would do my best to frame the events of my life in the boundary of this setup. I got pretty good, too. So good in fact that I looked into getting my own studio audience (I had to give up on that dream...with 1/3rd of the team living out of state and the other 1/3rd living in Grovetown...it just didn't seem feasible any longer).
Enter MySpace stage right. A brief history of time....I like going out and don't like doing so alone so I sent out emails trying to goad my friends to do this or that...I start posting the emails as a blog on MySpace...Someone comments that the blogs are, unlike a mac, entertaining and informative...the comment goes straight to my head. Now, everything I do is analysed (this blog was not brought to you by the letter 'Z') for blog potential. I'll think things like "I really like Craisins, I should write about that...that would kill. Craisins are hilarious. Maybe there's a Craisin festival in Aiken this weekend...that would be perfect." This is less of a blog and more of a cry for help, really.
Thankfully (wait....thankfully!?), there is no Craisin Festival in Aiken this weekend but there is a lot of other stuff going on that may or may not satisfy your daily recommended intake of fruit.
A Salute to our Soldiers: I first read about this on the Augusta Chronicle's website and the comments following the article were heated. So, I'm going to avoid in political slant on this event because, as Jon Stewart points out nightly, the only things funny in politics are the people. Here's my political statement...it cost $5 at the door of the Imperial Theater. Hors d'oeuvres and desserts provided. The festivities start at 6pm. All proceeds go toward families of deployed soldiers.
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe: A stage performance of C.S. Lewis' classic, this play is running March 15-17 at the Circle Theater in Barnwell, SC....wait....Barnwell? Yikes. If you decide to go, you'll need a compass, a flashlight, some rope, and this....oh, and $9. Seriously, take some breadcrumbs or a cell phone...I knew a guy that went to Barnwell and he was never heard from again. True story.
Triple Crown Street Fair: Looks like you gotta head out of town if you want to have a good time this weekend. Aiken's annual street fair marks the beginning of Triple Crown series with the steeplechase the following week. The street fair has become quite the to-do and they've got a national star in Danielle Peck this year who, according to the flyer, is stunningly attractive. I think she sings, too. They've roped off Newberry St. for the fair which starts at 6pm. $5 at the door.
Anything Goes: We're a week early on this one but my current writing schedule is sporadic at best so I wanted to get this one on your agenda incase I befall a great tragedy before next Thursday. I know nothing of the play but I do know the director and choreographer so forgive me while I peddle their wares. $10 at the door, curtain at 7:30 next Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Viva Italia!: It's St. Patrick's Day and everyone is Irish...unless you're Italian, apparently. The Augusta Symphony is hosting a Masterworks performance of classical Italian music on St. Patty's day...of course. I mean it makes perfect sense to me and, if it makes perfect sense to you, they show starts at 7:30pm in First Baptist Church. $20 for a literally cross-cultural experience.
St. Patrick's Day: You really shouldn't have any trouble finding something to do on Saturday because everywhere is having some kind of Irish themed party. If you actually are Irish, live it up because everyone wants to be you. For the rest of you lads and lasses, put on some green, pick a shamrock and follow the rainbow downtown to have a green beer with me.
Words, words and more words. It looks like the hiatus has left me longer winded. Hope everyone has a great weekend and be warned that hanging out with me this weekend is officially "on the record." Mora na maidine dhuit.
-Jake
We're (the royal We're...me, myself, and I) approaching my 1 year anniversary on MySpace which means we are also approaching my one year anniversary of writing these blogs (they didn't become toasters 'til the Summer). Looking back, it is quite obvious that my little weekly tradition has changed, for better or worse, the way I view the world.
I've always been a bit of an entertainer. Not so much in the macro sense that I long for the spotlight rather more toward the micro, individual level. I like telling stories and love making people laugh...one day I'll be good at either...so I've always been influenced by the things in my life that other people seem to enjoy. For a long time, it was Bill Cosby and Jerry Seinfield. So most of my stories started with "what's the deal with" (my favorite ending to that is "chicken McNuggets...if it's McMade of what I McThink it is, I'm not McEating it") and I would do my best to frame the events of my life in the boundary of this setup. I got pretty good, too. So good in fact that I looked into getting my own studio audience (I had to give up on that dream...with 1/3rd of the team living out of state and the other 1/3rd living in Grovetown...it just didn't seem feasible any longer).
Enter MySpace stage right. A brief history of time....I like going out and don't like doing so alone so I sent out emails trying to goad my friends to do this or that...I start posting the emails as a blog on MySpace...Someone comments that the blogs are, unlike a mac, entertaining and informative...the comment goes straight to my head. Now, everything I do is analysed (this blog was not brought to you by the letter 'Z') for blog potential. I'll think things like "I really like Craisins, I should write about that...that would kill. Craisins are hilarious. Maybe there's a Craisin festival in Aiken this weekend...that would be perfect." This is less of a blog and more of a cry for help, really.
Thankfully (wait....thankfully!?), there is no Craisin Festival in Aiken this weekend but there is a lot of other stuff going on that may or may not satisfy your daily recommended intake of fruit.
A Salute to our Soldiers: I first read about this on the Augusta Chronicle's website and the comments following the article were heated. So, I'm going to avoid in political slant on this event because, as Jon Stewart points out nightly, the only things funny in politics are the people. Here's my political statement...it cost $5 at the door of the Imperial Theater. Hors d'oeuvres and desserts provided. The festivities start at 6pm. All proceeds go toward families of deployed soldiers.
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe: A stage performance of C.S. Lewis' classic, this play is running March 15-17 at the Circle Theater in Barnwell, SC....wait....Barnwell? Yikes. If you decide to go, you'll need a compass, a flashlight, some rope, and this....oh, and $9. Seriously, take some breadcrumbs or a cell phone...I knew a guy that went to Barnwell and he was never heard from again. True story.
Triple Crown Street Fair: Looks like you gotta head out of town if you want to have a good time this weekend. Aiken's annual street fair marks the beginning of Triple Crown series with the steeplechase the following week. The street fair has become quite the to-do and they've got a national star in Danielle Peck this year who, according to the flyer, is stunningly attractive. I think she sings, too. They've roped off Newberry St. for the fair which starts at 6pm. $5 at the door.
Anything Goes: We're a week early on this one but my current writing schedule is sporadic at best so I wanted to get this one on your agenda incase I befall a great tragedy before next Thursday. I know nothing of the play but I do know the director and choreographer so forgive me while I peddle their wares. $10 at the door, curtain at 7:30 next Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Viva Italia!: It's St. Patrick's Day and everyone is Irish...unless you're Italian, apparently. The Augusta Symphony is hosting a Masterworks performance of classical Italian music on St. Patty's day...of course. I mean it makes perfect sense to me and, if it makes perfect sense to you, they show starts at 7:30pm in First Baptist Church. $20 for a literally cross-cultural experience.
St. Patrick's Day: You really shouldn't have any trouble finding something to do on Saturday because everywhere is having some kind of Irish themed party. If you actually are Irish, live it up because everyone wants to be you. For the rest of you lads and lasses, put on some green, pick a shamrock and follow the rainbow downtown to have a green beer with me.
Words, words and more words. It looks like the hiatus has left me longer winded. Hope everyone has a great weekend and be warned that hanging out with me this weekend is officially "on the record." Mora na maidine dhuit.
-Jake
Friday, February 9, 2007
Love and Sex
I was going to title this toaster "Things Jake Knows Nothing About" but this isn't an episode of $10,000 Pyramid and I'm afraid the responses to such a carte blanche category could have become harrowing. Besides, my more astute readers knew, long before the page loaded, that this blog would be either very short (perhaps blank) or very ficticious so there was no need to further open myself up to the ridcule of the peanut gallery. No, the title, while not entirely off topic, was a bit of a ruse on my part and, if this is your first time here, it probably worked. You see, we're in the middle of sweeps month and I'm pulling out all the stops to boost my ratings so I can charge my advertisers out the nose. Did I mention I'm taking an ethics class this semester?
Back on topic. Assuming I know "nothing" about love and/or sex isn't a good idea because it makes an ass of u and ming and becuase I'm not completely ignorant of the topic. I've done my homework. I wikipedia'd (that's a verb) both topics. Love, interestingly enough, suggested that I "see also" sex (or coitus, if you will) but sex was not kind enough to suggest I look for love. I'll leave it up to you to decipher that quagmire. According to the encyclopedia, "its[sex] primary evolutionary purpose is the reproduction and continued survival of the human species" so, no pressure, huh? To those of you having sex...thank you. Seriously, thank you. Love, however, is far more complicated as it "is not amenable to one authoritative definition" and "it is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection." Debate, speculation and thoughful introspection? Crepes! They make it sound so....well, boring. Princeton raises the bar with: love is "any object of warm affection or devotion" and, as an example they suggest "he loves cock fighting." Cock fighting? You've got to be kidding me. Clearly, acedemia is not well suited to handle...well...anything. How about the arts? John Lennon starts us off well with "love is real" but he quickly falters with "love is wanting to be loved." Come on, John. This isn't balderdash; you can't use the word in the definition. I'm with Foreigner...I wanna know what love is. DC Talk says love is a verb, Brian McKnight thinks love...well, love is, Pat Benatar says love is a battlefield, but Mya is most eloquent with love is like woah. Like, no kidding. I think we're gettingcloser somewhere. The movie industry is helpful in a "teach a man to fish" kind of way. A search for love over at imdb (oh my, the jokes this should spawn) returns 6200 movie titles. If I start yesterday, I'll have a pretty good handle on the topic by 2017. I'll be in touch.
If you haven't guessed it by now that Valentines Day is coming up, you're single. Congratulations. If you aren't single and you didn't know Valentines Day is next week; you're about to be single. Congratulations. Here's some last minute ideas, just in case.
Winter Jam: The difference between Christian music and secular music is the muse. Christians pine for God and secular musicians pine for the opposite sex. I've met my fair share of women and I'm pretty sure the Christians are on to something. I've heard of some of the people coming (which usually means they are superstars within their respective careers) so, if this is your thing, it should be a pretty good time. If it's not your thing, you might want to make it your thing. $10 at the door is a steal. Doors open at 6, show starts at 7.
Valentine Dance: Normally, I'd be all over this. Dancing at the boathouse for $15 ($5 if you have a student ID, which I do)...please! Wild horses couldn't drag me away. But, they had to go and make it a Valentine thing so I'm pausing a bit. Calling all shaggers...if you're interested, I'm interested so let's go be interested together tomorrow night at 8pm.
Augusta Symphony: There is something in the air this weekend. The symphony has 3 concerts in the next 9 days so you've got lots of opportunities to convince the little lady that, as a man of class, you cannot live on Budweiser alone. You
need orchestra music as well, sugar. The Contours are playing at the Bell Saturday night, Beethoven Lives Upstairs is showing at the Imperial Sunday afternoon, and Rachel Barton Pine is performing at First Baptist Church next Saturday. If you've never seen the Symphony, take advantage of one of above opportunities. You'll thank me later and hopefully with chocolate cake.
The Fantasticks: Appropriately enough, it's a play about love. When I typed that, I tilted my head to the side just so, fluttered my eye lids and my gaze drifted toward the heavens while soft piano music played in my head. Then I remembered, I'm not gay. With a touch of sword fighting and magic, this play can't be all bad. Get tickets soon because they sell out very very fast. It is showing this weekend, and next. $15 per seat, show starts at 8pm.
I think I've set you up pretty well so pour one out for me while she's melting in your arms. If she doesn't melt (you did something wrong), don't forget my motto....when in doubt, send flowers. Ask for Amelia and tell her Jake sent you.
Happy Valentines Day
-Jake
Back on topic. Assuming I know "nothing" about love and/or sex isn't a good idea because it makes an ass of u and ming and becuase I'm not completely ignorant of the topic. I've done my homework. I wikipedia'd (that's a verb) both topics. Love, interestingly enough, suggested that I "see also" sex (or coitus, if you will) but sex was not kind enough to suggest I look for love. I'll leave it up to you to decipher that quagmire. According to the encyclopedia, "its[sex] primary evolutionary purpose is the reproduction and continued survival of the human species" so, no pressure, huh? To those of you having sex...thank you. Seriously, thank you. Love, however, is far more complicated as it "is not amenable to one authoritative definition" and "it is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection." Debate, speculation and thoughful introspection? Crepes! They make it sound so....well, boring. Princeton raises the bar with: love is "any object of warm affection or devotion" and, as an example they suggest "he loves cock fighting." Cock fighting? You've got to be kidding me. Clearly, acedemia is not well suited to handle...well...anything. How about the arts? John Lennon starts us off well with "love is real" but he quickly falters with "love is wanting to be loved." Come on, John. This isn't balderdash; you can't use the word in the definition. I'm with Foreigner...I wanna know what love is. DC Talk says love is a verb, Brian McKnight thinks love...well, love is, Pat Benatar says love is a battlefield, but Mya is most eloquent with love is like woah. Like, no kidding. I think we're getting
If you haven't guessed it by now that Valentines Day is coming up, you're single. Congratulations. If you aren't single and you didn't know Valentines Day is next week; you're about to be single. Congratulations. Here's some last minute ideas, just in case.
Winter Jam: The difference between Christian music and secular music is the muse. Christians pine for God and secular musicians pine for the opposite sex. I've met my fair share of women and I'm pretty sure the Christians are on to something. I've heard of some of the people coming (which usually means they are superstars within their respective careers) so, if this is your thing, it should be a pretty good time. If it's not your thing, you might want to make it your thing. $10 at the door is a steal. Doors open at 6, show starts at 7.
Valentine Dance: Normally, I'd be all over this. Dancing at the boathouse for $15 ($5 if you have a student ID, which I do)...please! Wild horses couldn't drag me away. But, they had to go and make it a Valentine thing so I'm pausing a bit. Calling all shaggers...if you're interested, I'm interested so let's go be interested together tomorrow night at 8pm.
Augusta Symphony: There is something in the air this weekend. The symphony has 3 concerts in the next 9 days so you've got lots of opportunities to convince the little lady that, as a man of class, you cannot live on Budweiser alone. You
need orchestra music as well, sugar. The Contours are playing at the Bell Saturday night, Beethoven Lives Upstairs is showing at the Imperial Sunday afternoon, and Rachel Barton Pine is performing at First Baptist Church next Saturday. If you've never seen the Symphony, take advantage of one of above opportunities. You'll thank me later and hopefully with chocolate cake.
The Fantasticks: Appropriately enough, it's a play about love. When I typed that, I tilted my head to the side just so, fluttered my eye lids and my gaze drifted toward the heavens while soft piano music played in my head. Then I remembered, I'm not gay. With a touch of sword fighting and magic, this play can't be all bad. Get tickets soon because they sell out very very fast. It is showing this weekend, and next. $15 per seat, show starts at 8pm.
I think I've set you up pretty well so pour one out for me while she's melting in your arms. If she doesn't melt (you did something wrong), don't forget my motto....when in doubt, send flowers. Ask for Amelia and tell her Jake sent you.
Happy Valentines Day
-Jake
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Comedy
I had a bad week last week. Laughing yet? No? Hmmm....maybe I need to work on my delivery. You're right though, beautiful people are normally exempt from bad days so bad weeks are basically unheard-of (anything worth doing is worth doing) and, yes, I've alerted the proper authorities. What happened (nosey much)? I'm not sure. I guess it was a bit of a fact finding mission...research, if you will. You see, to be a truly effective leader I needed to come down from my high seat to see how the rest of you live (I honestly don't know how you do it). I expected to leave the lap of luxury, mingle with you common folk for a while, wash my hands and return to my refuge. Let's just say, I was startled by how bad things can get and how quickly they can get worse. I felt that I deserved a medal or trophy of sorts....so I gave myself one.
I have been wrongly accused of being funny and I went to great lengths, last week, to exonerate myself of these outrageous charges. No, I am most definitely not funny because comedy is hard. Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, Dana Carvey; these men know comedy...take notes. The main difference, aside from the whole "being funny" thing, is the whole "being funny" thing. They can take any topic; racism, alcoholism, religion, and make it funny (the Cos once said "You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it." He's probably right). I can make grilled cheese sandwiches. Seriously, my repertoire is a fine selection of fart jokes and movie quotes. I'm like a 6 foot tall version of Scene It? that smells like cabbage. If you've got Anosmia and you like dumb and dumber...a lot....I'm your man. If you came here looking for a laugh, then I hope you clicked one of those links above.
The crazy thing about humor is that life is often its own punch line and, to some degree, we have to trudge through the crap to find the laughter. Gordon W. Allport said "So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter." Word.
Augusta is a really happenin' place and this weekend looks to be bangin' with stuff to do, so strap in. Now you laugh? Seriously, I can't work with these people.
MISTology: The Science Behind the Cocktail: Hells Yeah. I don't normally endorse education and alcohol but this seems like a great opportunity to learn to make the perfect laugh lubricant. Not so much for you but for your audience. Bring your Sam's Card because it will be hard for them to be critical when remaining vertical is a challenge. Tonight from 6-8pm at the National Science Center. $10 at the door.
Augusta Cutting Horse Futurity: Don't misunderstand me here. There is nothing funny about a cowboy...at least nothing I'll admit in public. You see, I'm not as imposing, physically, as I sound on the internet and cowboys wear tight pants and ride wild animals....for fun. Tickets are available for the remaining three events for $12 per ticket. Leave your girlfriend at home because, this time, comparison shopping won't work out in your favor.
Fried Green Tomatoes: Jabez Hardin Performing Arts Theater...wow. The fact that someone lost a game of good idea bad idea when naming this place, aside they are all about free movies and I'm all about that. The movie is debatably funny but definitely free so it's a trade-off. Toss a coin (or whatever it is you people do to make life decisions) to decide tomorrow night at 7pm.
Steel Magnolias: Cowboys and Steel Magnolias...I have no idea where this Brokeback blog is going but I'm officially turning in my man card when I'm done. I have a hard time agreeing with any critic that would call this story "hilarious" but it surely has it's moments. This is the stage version so it may differ fromthe version I've seen what people tell me. Shows are this weekend and next at the Aiken Community Playhouse. Tickets are $17.
Quotes are nice for filling space and convincing simple minded people that I'm smart...wonder why I'm using one here? Voltaire gets 2 points for reminding me that "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Anyone know any good stories? I'm ready.
-Jake
I have been wrongly accused of being funny and I went to great lengths, last week, to exonerate myself of these outrageous charges. No, I am most definitely not funny because comedy is hard. Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, Dana Carvey; these men know comedy...take notes. The main difference, aside from the whole "being funny" thing, is the whole "being funny" thing. They can take any topic; racism, alcoholism, religion, and make it funny (the Cos once said "You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it." He's probably right). I can make grilled cheese sandwiches. Seriously, my repertoire is a fine selection of fart jokes and movie quotes. I'm like a 6 foot tall version of Scene It? that smells like cabbage. If you've got Anosmia and you like dumb and dumber...a lot....I'm your man. If you came here looking for a laugh, then I hope you clicked one of those links above.
The crazy thing about humor is that life is often its own punch line and, to some degree, we have to trudge through the crap to find the laughter. Gordon W. Allport said "So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter." Word.
Augusta is a really happenin' place and this weekend looks to be bangin' with stuff to do, so strap in. Now you laugh? Seriously, I can't work with these people.
MISTology: The Science Behind the Cocktail: Hells Yeah. I don't normally endorse education and alcohol but this seems like a great opportunity to learn to make the perfect laugh lubricant. Not so much for you but for your audience. Bring your Sam's Card because it will be hard for them to be critical when remaining vertical is a challenge. Tonight from 6-8pm at the National Science Center. $10 at the door.
Augusta Cutting Horse Futurity: Don't misunderstand me here. There is nothing funny about a cowboy...at least nothing I'll admit in public. You see, I'm not as imposing, physically, as I sound on the internet and cowboys wear tight pants and ride wild animals....for fun. Tickets are available for the remaining three events for $12 per ticket. Leave your girlfriend at home because, this time, comparison shopping won't work out in your favor.
Fried Green Tomatoes: Jabez Hardin Performing Arts Theater...wow. The fact that someone lost a game of good idea bad idea when naming this place, aside they are all about free movies and I'm all about that. The movie is debatably funny but definitely free so it's a trade-off. Toss a coin (or whatever it is you people do to make life decisions) to decide tomorrow night at 7pm.
Steel Magnolias: Cowboys and Steel Magnolias...I have no idea where this Brokeback blog is going but I'm officially turning in my man card when I'm done. I have a hard time agreeing with any critic that would call this story "hilarious" but it surely has it's moments. This is the stage version so it may differ from
Quotes are nice for filling space and convincing simple minded people that I'm smart...wonder why I'm using one here? Voltaire gets 2 points for reminding me that "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Anyone know any good stories? I'm ready.
-Jake
Friday, January 12, 2007
Super May Be the Wrong Word
There isn't anything wrong with the word super; I just don't think it fits. And, I do not mean it doesn't fit in the "5 down only has 4 letters" sense but more in the "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" sense. You see, I had a headache a few nights ago and I pulled out the Advil and tapped 2 tablets from the bottle....like I always do. I'm not suggesting that the ability to always extract the exact number of tablets needed, on the first try isn't a special power....because it is. I'm merely wondering if it qualifies as a "super" power. Good? Definitely. Super? Probably not. Fortunately I have other powers to fall back on because Good Heroes aren't nearly as impressive as Super Heroes, and you're right...I am that impressive.
I'm not sure when I stumbled on to my ability to forget almost any detail within seconds of receipt but I've spent the last 5 years perfecting the power. I am a juggernaut of forgetfulness. Things go in one ear and out the other, figuratively. Names, dates, prescriptions, milk, underwear, phone numbers...you name it and I'll forget it. I'm that good. Forgetfulness combined with my ability to write hieroglyphics and my inability to read hieroglyphics and it is miraculous that life even exists on the planet Jake (editor's note: Reverse that...."Life is miraculous on planet Jake"...I'll add that to the brochure). At first glimpse, forgetfulness does not seem like a super power but it is (how can you argue with that...it's rock-solid). I can watch movies over and over, my jokes never get old, "I don't remember" is always a valid response, and I'm never late because I have no idea what time we were supposed to meet. The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I have a hunch it will also come in handy if I ever get married....
My super power also comes in handy when I'm looking for stuff to do in Augusta because I....well...I don't remember why it is helpful but I assure you it is integral to the process.
Southern Fried Flicks: In the South, we like everything fried (I read about a guy who invented a method for frying Coca-Cola...not sure how it could get any better than that)...especially our film. I've never been much of a film festival guy because I like good movies but I'm inclined to offer my patronage to this festival. At $5 for 3 movies, it is hard to beat this offer. The festival runs through Sunday and concludes with a "The Best of the Fest" for $8.
Augusta Symphony Masterworks: I don't follow the cellist scene as closely as I once did so I know nothing of the hot new rookie Inbal Segev other than she is playing with the Augusta Symphony on Saturday at First Baptist Church. According to her biography, "Ms. Segev's cello was made by Gaetano Rossi in Milan in 1845" and that should be more than enough to convince you to check out the show. My job is done here. Show starts at 6:30pm, tickets start at $20.
Nature Photography Workshop: This may be the first and last time I include a "workshop" so take advantage of my lapse in judgment. Got a digital camera? Incapable of taking a picture worth keeping? Trytaking one of me this workshop. Class starts at 9am on Saturday at Phinizy Swamp and it will cost you $8 to learn how to use your camera outdoors.
Friday Night Film Series: You are on your own for this one. I couldn't find any information other than what was available in the Spirit which must mean anything that happens in Columbia County is top secret. Maybe they are just trying to keep us filthy 3090x-ers on our end of Washington Rd. Maybe they don't know how to advertise. Regardless, they are showing The Lion King tonight at the Jabez-Hardin Performing Arts Center. Admission is free, donations accepted. Show starts at 7pm.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Community Celebration: On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll never make a difference yet I celebrate myself daily. Here's an opportunity to celebrate the life of someone who settled for no less than a 10; an opportunity to remember someone who did more for America than we may ever realize. It all takes place at the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame's Botanical Gardens from noon-4pm, Jan 15. Free to the public.
The name "Short Term Memory Loss Man" doesn't strike fear into the hearts of criminals as much as you'd imagine so, for the sake of humanity, I'm hanging up the crime fighting tights and sticking with my partying tights. If you see me downtown buy me a drink and introduce yourself...because I probably don't remember your name.
-Jake
I'm not sure when I stumbled on to my ability to forget almost any detail within seconds of receipt but I've spent the last 5 years perfecting the power. I am a juggernaut of forgetfulness. Things go in one ear and out the other, figuratively. Names, dates, prescriptions, milk, underwear, phone numbers...you name it and I'll forget it. I'm that good. Forgetfulness combined with my ability to write hieroglyphics and my inability to read hieroglyphics and it is miraculous that life even exists on the planet Jake (editor's note: Reverse that...."Life is miraculous on planet Jake"...I'll add that to the brochure). At first glimpse, forgetfulness does not seem like a super power but it is (how can you argue with that...it's rock-solid). I can watch movies over and over, my jokes never get old, "I don't remember" is always a valid response, and I'm never late because I have no idea what time we were supposed to meet. The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I have a hunch it will also come in handy if I ever get married....
My super power also comes in handy when I'm looking for stuff to do in Augusta because I....well...I don't remember why it is helpful but I assure you it is integral to the process.
Southern Fried Flicks: In the South, we like everything fried (I read about a guy who invented a method for frying Coca-Cola...not sure how it could get any better than that)...especially our film. I've never been much of a film festival guy because I like good movies but I'm inclined to offer my patronage to this festival. At $5 for 3 movies, it is hard to beat this offer. The festival runs through Sunday and concludes with a "The Best of the Fest" for $8.
Augusta Symphony Masterworks: I don't follow the cellist scene as closely as I once did so I know nothing of the hot new rookie Inbal Segev other than she is playing with the Augusta Symphony on Saturday at First Baptist Church. According to her biography, "Ms. Segev's cello was made by Gaetano Rossi in Milan in 1845" and that should be more than enough to convince you to check out the show. My job is done here. Show starts at 6:30pm, tickets start at $20.
Nature Photography Workshop: This may be the first and last time I include a "workshop" so take advantage of my lapse in judgment. Got a digital camera? Incapable of taking a picture worth keeping? Try
Friday Night Film Series: You are on your own for this one. I couldn't find any information other than what was available in the Spirit which must mean anything that happens in Columbia County is top secret. Maybe they are just trying to keep us filthy 3090x-ers on our end of Washington Rd. Maybe they don't know how to advertise. Regardless, they are showing The Lion King tonight at the Jabez-Hardin Performing Arts Center. Admission is free, donations accepted. Show starts at 7pm.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Community Celebration: On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll never make a difference yet I celebrate myself daily. Here's an opportunity to celebrate the life of someone who settled for no less than a 10; an opportunity to remember someone who did more for America than we may ever realize. It all takes place at the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame's Botanical Gardens from noon-4pm, Jan 15. Free to the public.
The name "Short Term Memory Loss Man" doesn't strike fear into the hearts of criminals as much as you'd imagine so, for the sake of humanity, I'm hanging up the crime fighting tights and sticking with my partying tights. If you see me downtown buy me a drink and introduce yourself...because I probably don't remember your name.
-Jake
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Five More Minutes, Mom
Perhaps a theme is developing. Perhaps I'm awake and I'm not happy about it (that's going to be the tagline for my movie....Jake and the City: He's Awake and He's not Happy About It...coming to theaters Summer 2010) and I decided to wax and wane about my predicament to the only people bored enough to listen. I don't know what it is about mornings that make them so uninviting. On paper, mornings have a lot going for them...the whole new day/fresh start thing, the birds chirping thing, the sunrise thing but none of those, at least as far as I'm concerned, trump the whole sleeping thing. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's kind of a big deal, I'm kind of good at it and those are kind of understatements. My sleeping prowess is mythical. I am good at sleeping like you are good at being annoying (that's a simile...good eye Capt. Language Arts) and I don't practice nearly as much as you do (I haven't had my coffee yet....perhaps we can be friends after lunch).
So, I'm in quite a pickle. I'm good at sleeping and I love sleeping (yes, I love it like that) but Morning shows up everyday and crashes the party. What a killjoy. What to do, what to do?
I've managed to reduce the "morning effect" by consuming a strategically planned cup of coffee but I still struggle with the purgatory between asleep and awake. It seems like I've tried it all. I have three alarm clocks (one that beeps, one that plays the radio and one that rings) which are all set for different times on both sides of 7am. The beloved Snooze button is at least 10 feet from my Xanadu but this merely increases the amount of exercise I get between snoozes...the distance does nothing to discourage the practice. My coffee maker is programmable but this is only useful for creating coffee at a predetermined time, not delivering said coffee so I find the programming features to be more reliable for creating cold cups of coffee than getting me out of bed (also, I forgot the coffee one night and woke up to a pot of hot water and that made me so mad that I got back in bed). Maybe I should get a coffee intravenous (IV) drip (note: I originally wrote "coffee catheter" and I'm glad I looked that one up because a catheter would have been counter-productive/disasterous...thank God for Wikipedia). My mom thinks I need to go to bed earlier but she also thinks I like broccoli and she's all ten shades of crazy so I take her suggestions lightly. A friend suggested I should get married because his wife kidney punches him if the alarm goes off twice but marriage seems a bit extreme...like cutting off your hand to prevent hangnails.
I'll get it figured out one day. Until then, I'll be late for work and I'll always have a good stock of coupons for free breakfast items at Chick-fil-a. If you're like me, I'm sorry, but here's a list of things that don't get started 'til the sun gets warm.
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU: A tribute to Elvis Presley: James Brown is still dead and so is Elvis but that is not stopping us from celebrating either one. Elvis' birthday is coming up on the 8th (Fool's Gold Loaf makes a great gift) and Le Chat Noir is celebrating with a tribute to The King. Shows are Friday and Saturday at 8pm and tickets are $10.
Horseback Riding: I don't know why Ft. Gordon has a horse farm but they do. Why they have a horse farm is less important than the fact that it is open to the public so I'm going to let them slide. It is open for guided trails and free riding so saddle up and enjoy. Price range varies and it is open Wed. - Sun.
Tuesday's Music Live: Free, live concerts. Hello? McFly? It's free. On the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, St. Paul's Church hosts a free concert followed by a catered lunch from noon-1pm. The performers are all over the place as far as genre is concerned but it is a great way to spend a Tuesday lunch hour. Lunch is by reservation only and usually costs $7. This week, the Silverwood Quartet is performing.
Aerial Tours of Augusta: Not exactly a "weekend" thing but it is very slow this weekend in Augusta so I'm reaching. Basically, you hop in a 4-seater and someone from Augusta Aviation, Inc. flies you around Augusta for 30 minutes. I did this with the fam when I was in high school and I remember enjoying the trip and not crashing. Tours are by reservation only and you can bring two friends for $69. If you are more romatically inclined check out their sunset tours.
Fin! Looks like you're on your own this weekend because there just isn't much going on. As far as I can tell, my old standby First Friday has been cancelled so call me if you're out and about on Friday....just not before noon.
-Jake
So, I'm in quite a pickle. I'm good at sleeping and I love sleeping (yes, I love it like that) but Morning shows up everyday and crashes the party. What a killjoy. What to do, what to do?
I've managed to reduce the "morning effect" by consuming a strategically planned cup of coffee but I still struggle with the purgatory between asleep and awake. It seems like I've tried it all. I have three alarm clocks (one that beeps, one that plays the radio and one that rings) which are all set for different times on both sides of 7am. The beloved Snooze button is at least 10 feet from my Xanadu but this merely increases the amount of exercise I get between snoozes...the distance does nothing to discourage the practice. My coffee maker is programmable but this is only useful for creating coffee at a predetermined time, not delivering said coffee so I find the programming features to be more reliable for creating cold cups of coffee than getting me out of bed (also, I forgot the coffee one night and woke up to a pot of hot water and that made me so mad that I got back in bed). Maybe I should get a coffee intravenous (IV) drip (note: I originally wrote "coffee catheter" and I'm glad I looked that one up because a catheter would have been counter-productive/disasterous...thank God for Wikipedia). My mom thinks I need to go to bed earlier but she also thinks I like broccoli and she's all ten shades of crazy so I take her suggestions lightly. A friend suggested I should get married because his wife kidney punches him if the alarm goes off twice but marriage seems a bit extreme...like cutting off your hand to prevent hangnails.
I'll get it figured out one day. Until then, I'll be late for work and I'll always have a good stock of coupons for free breakfast items at Chick-fil-a. If you're like me, I'm sorry, but here's a list of things that don't get started 'til the sun gets warm.
ONE NIGHT WITH YOU: A tribute to Elvis Presley: James Brown is still dead and so is Elvis but that is not stopping us from celebrating either one. Elvis' birthday is coming up on the 8th (Fool's Gold Loaf makes a great gift) and Le Chat Noir is celebrating with a tribute to The King. Shows are Friday and Saturday at 8pm and tickets are $10.
Horseback Riding: I don't know why Ft. Gordon has a horse farm but they do. Why they have a horse farm is less important than the fact that it is open to the public so I'm going to let them slide. It is open for guided trails and free riding so saddle up and enjoy. Price range varies and it is open Wed. - Sun.
Tuesday's Music Live: Free, live concerts. Hello? McFly? It's free. On the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, St. Paul's Church hosts a free concert followed by a catered lunch from noon-1pm. The performers are all over the place as far as genre is concerned but it is a great way to spend a Tuesday lunch hour. Lunch is by reservation only and usually costs $7. This week, the Silverwood Quartet is performing.
Aerial Tours of Augusta: Not exactly a "weekend" thing but it is very slow this weekend in Augusta so I'm reaching. Basically, you hop in a 4-seater and someone from Augusta Aviation, Inc. flies you around Augusta for 30 minutes. I did this with the fam when I was in high school and I remember enjoying the trip and not crashing. Tours are by reservation only and you can bring two friends for $69. If you are more romatically inclined check out their sunset tours.
Fin! Looks like you're on your own this weekend because there just isn't much going on. As far as I can tell, my old standby First Friday has been cancelled so call me if you're out and about on Friday....just not before noon.
-Jake
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