Five More Minutes, Mom

Perhaps a theme is developing. Perhaps I'm awake and I'm not happy about it (that's going to be the tagline for my movie....Jake and the City: He's Awake and He's not Happy About It...coming to theaters Summer 2010) and I decided to wax and wane about my predicament to the only people bored enough to listen. I don't know what it is about mornings that make them so uninviting. On paper, mornings have a lot going for them...the whole new day/fresh start thing, the birds chirping thing, the sunrise thing but none of those, at least as far as I'm concerned, trump the whole sleeping thing. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's kind of a big deal, I'm kind of good at it and those are kind of understatements. My sleeping prowess is mythical. I am good at sleeping like you are good at being annoying (that's a simile...good eye Capt. Language Arts) and I don't practice nearly as much as you do (I haven't had my coffee yet....perhaps we can be friends after lunch).

So, I'm in quite a pickle. I'm good at sleeping and I love sleeping (yes, I love it like that) but Morning shows up everyday and crashes the party. What a killjoy. What to do, what to do?

I've managed to reduce the "morning effect" by consuming a strategically planned cup of coffee but I still struggle with the purgatory between asleep and awake. It seems like I've tried it all. I have three alarm clocks (one that beeps, one that plays the radio and one that rings) which are all set for different times on both sides of 7am. The beloved Snooze button is at least 10 feet from my Xanadu but this merely increases the amount of exercise I get between snoozes...the distance does nothing to discourage the practice. My coffee maker is programmable but this is only useful for creating coffee at a predetermined time, not delivering said coffee so I find the programming features to be more reliable for creating cold cups of coffee than getting me out of bed (also, I forgot the coffee one night and woke up to a pot of hot water and that made me so mad that I got back in bed). Maybe I should get a coffee intravenous (IV) drip (note: I originally wrote "coffee catheter" and I'm glad I looked that one up because a catheter would have been counter-productive/disasterous...thank God for Wikipedia). My mom thinks I need to go to bed earlier but she also thinks I like broccoli and she's all ten shades of crazy so I take her suggestions lightly. A friend suggested I should get married because his wife kidney punches him if the alarm goes off twice but marriage seems a bit extreme...like cutting off your hand to prevent hangnails.

I'll get it figured out one day. Until then, I'll be late for work and I'll always have a good stock of coupons for free breakfast items at Chick-fil-a. If you're like me, I'm sorry, but here's a list of things that don't get started 'til the sun gets warm.

ONE NIGHT WITH YOU: A tribute to Elvis Presley: James Brown is still dead and so is Elvis but that is not stopping us from celebrating either one. Elvis' birthday is coming up on the 8th (Fool's Gold Loaf makes a great gift) and Le Chat Noir is celebrating with a tribute to The King. Shows are Friday and Saturday at 8pm and tickets are $10.

Horseback Riding: I don't know why Ft. Gordon has a horse farm but they do. Why they have a horse farm is less important than the fact that it is open to the public so I'm going to let them slide. It is open for guided trails and free riding so saddle up and enjoy. Price range varies and it is open Wed. - Sun.

Tuesday's Music Live: Free, live concerts. Hello? McFly? It's free. On the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, St. Paul's Church hosts a free concert followed by a catered lunch from noon-1pm. The performers are all over the place as far as genre is concerned but it is a great way to spend a Tuesday lunch hour. Lunch is by reservation only and usually costs $7. This week, the Silverwood Quartet is performing.

Aerial Tours of Augusta: Not exactly a "weekend" thing but it is very slow this weekend in Augusta so I'm reaching. Basically, you hop in a 4-seater and someone from Augusta Aviation, Inc. flies you around Augusta for 30 minutes. I did this with the fam when I was in high school and I remember enjoying the trip and not crashing. Tours are by reservation only and you can bring two friends for $69. If you are more romatically inclined check out their sunset tours.

Fin! Looks like you're on your own this weekend because there just isn't much going on. As far as I can tell, my old standby First Friday has been cancelled so call me if you're out and about on Friday....just not before noon.

-Jake