Comedy

I had a bad week last week. Laughing yet? No? Hmmm....maybe I need to work on my delivery. You're right though, beautiful people are normally exempt from bad days so bad weeks are basically unheard-of (anything worth doing is worth doing) and, yes, I've alerted the proper authorities. What happened (nosey much)? I'm not sure. I guess it was a bit of a fact finding mission...research, if you will. You see, to be a truly effective leader I needed to come down from my high seat to see how the rest of you live (I honestly don't know how you do it). I expected to leave the lap of luxury, mingle with you common folk for a while, wash my hands and return to my refuge. Let's just say, I was startled by how bad things can get and how quickly they can get worse. I felt that I deserved a medal or trophy of sorts....so I gave myself one.

I have been wrongly accused of being funny and I went to great lengths, last week, to exonerate myself of these outrageous charges. No, I am most definitely not funny because comedy is hard. Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, Dana Carvey; these men know comedy...take notes. The main difference, aside from the whole "being funny" thing, is the whole "being funny" thing. They can take any topic; racism, alcoholism, religion, and make it funny (the Cos once said "You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it." He's probably right). I can make grilled cheese sandwiches. Seriously, my repertoire is a fine selection of fart jokes and movie quotes. I'm like a 6 foot tall version of Scene It? that smells like cabbage. If you've got Anosmia and you like dumb and dumber...a lot....I'm your man. If you came here looking for a laugh, then I hope you clicked one of those links above.

The crazy thing about humor is that life is often its own punch line and, to some degree, we have to trudge through the crap to find the laughter. Gordon W. Allport said "So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter." Word.

Augusta is a really happenin' place and this weekend looks to be bangin' with stuff to do, so strap in. Now you laugh? Seriously, I can't work with these people.

MISTology: The Science Behind the Cocktail: Hells Yeah. I don't normally endorse education and alcohol but this seems like a great opportunity to learn to make the perfect laugh lubricant. Not so much for you but for your audience. Bring your Sam's Card because it will be hard for them to be critical when remaining vertical is a challenge. Tonight from 6-8pm at the National Science Center. $10 at the door.

Augusta Cutting Horse Futurity: Don't misunderstand me here. There is nothing funny about a cowboy...at least nothing I'll admit in public. You see, I'm not as imposing, physically, as I sound on the internet and cowboys wear tight pants and ride wild animals....for fun. Tickets are available for the remaining three events for $12 per ticket. Leave your girlfriend at home because, this time, comparison shopping won't work out in your favor.

Fried Green Tomatoes: Jabez Hardin Performing Arts Theater...wow. The fact that someone lost a game of good idea bad idea when naming this place, aside they are all about free movies and I'm all about that. The movie is debatably funny but definitely free so it's a trade-off. Toss a coin (or whatever it is you people do to make life decisions) to decide tomorrow night at 7pm.

Steel Magnolias: Cowboys and Steel Magnolias...I have no idea where this Brokeback blog is going but I'm officially turning in my man card when I'm done. I have a hard time agreeing with any critic that would call this story "hilarious" but it surely has it's moments. This is the stage version so it may differ from the version I've seen what people tell me. Shows are this weekend and next at the Aiken Community Playhouse. Tickets are $17.

Quotes are nice for filling space and convincing simple minded people that I'm smart...wonder why I'm using one here? Voltaire gets 2 points for reminding me that "God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Anyone know any good stories? I'm ready.

-Jake

Super May Be the Wrong Word

There isn't anything wrong with the word super; I just don't think it fits. And, I do not mean it doesn't fit in the "5 down only has 4 letters" sense but more in the "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" sense. You see, I had a headache a few nights ago and I pulled out the Advil and tapped 2 tablets from the bottle....like I always do. I'm not suggesting that the ability to always extract the exact number of tablets needed, on the first try isn't a special power....because it is. I'm merely wondering if it qualifies as a "super" power. Good? Definitely. Super? Probably not. Fortunately I have other powers to fall back on because Good Heroes aren't nearly as impressive as Super Heroes, and you're right...I am that impressive.

I'm not sure when I stumbled on to my ability to forget almost any detail within seconds of receipt but I've spent the last 5 years perfecting the power. I am a juggernaut of forgetfulness. Things go in one ear and out the other, figuratively. Names, dates, prescriptions, milk, underwear, phone numbers...you name it and I'll forget it. I'm that good. Forgetfulness combined with my ability to write hieroglyphics and my inability to read hieroglyphics and it is miraculous that life even exists on the planet Jake (editor's note: Reverse that...."Life is miraculous on planet Jake"...I'll add that to the brochure). At first glimpse, forgetfulness does not seem like a super power but it is (how can you argue with that...it's rock-solid). I can watch movies over and over, my jokes never get old, "I don't remember" is always a valid response, and I'm never late because I have no idea what time we were supposed to meet. The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I have a hunch it will also come in handy if I ever get married....

My super power also comes in handy when I'm looking for stuff to do in Augusta because I....well...I don't remember why it is helpful but I assure you it is integral to the process.

Southern Fried Flicks: In the South, we like everything fried (I read about a guy who invented a method for frying Coca-Cola...not sure how it could get any better than that)...especially our film. I've never been much of a film festival guy because I like good movies but I'm inclined to offer my patronage to this festival. At $5 for 3 movies, it is hard to beat this offer. The festival runs through Sunday and concludes with a "The Best of the Fest" for $8.

Augusta Symphony Masterworks: I don't follow the cellist scene as closely as I once did so I know nothing of the hot new rookie Inbal Segev other than she is playing with the Augusta Symphony on Saturday at First Baptist Church. According to her biography, "Ms. Segev's cello was made by Gaetano Rossi in Milan in 1845" and that should be more than enough to convince you to check out the show. My job is done here. Show starts at 6:30pm, tickets start at $20.

Nature Photography Workshop: This may be the first and last time I include a "workshop" so take advantage of my lapse in judgment. Got a digital camera? Incapable of taking a picture worth keeping? Try taking one of me this workshop. Class starts at 9am on Saturday at Phinizy Swamp and it will cost you $8 to learn how to use your camera outdoors.

Friday Night Film Series: You are on your own for this one. I couldn't find any information other than what was available in the Spirit which must mean anything that happens in Columbia County is top secret. Maybe they are just trying to keep us filthy 3090x-ers on our end of Washington Rd. Maybe they don't know how to advertise. Regardless, they are showing The Lion King tonight at the Jabez-Hardin Performing Arts Center. Admission is free, donations accepted. Show starts at 7pm.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Community Celebration: On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll never make a difference yet I celebrate myself daily. Here's an opportunity to celebrate the life of someone who settled for no less than a 10; an opportunity to remember someone who did more for America than we may ever realize. It all takes place at the Georgia Golf Hall of Fame's Botanical Gardens from noon-4pm, Jan 15. Free to the public.

The name "Short Term Memory Loss Man" doesn't strike fear into the hearts of criminals as much as you'd imagine so, for the sake of humanity, I'm hanging up the crime fighting tights and sticking with my partying tights. If you see me downtown buy me a drink and introduce yourself...because I probably don't remember your name.

-Jake

Five More Minutes, Mom

Perhaps a theme is developing. Perhaps I'm awake and I'm not happy about it (that's going to be the tagline for my movie....Jake and the City: He's Awake and He's not Happy About It...coming to theaters Summer 2010) and I decided to wax and wane about my predicament to the only people bored enough to listen. I don't know what it is about mornings that make them so uninviting. On paper, mornings have a lot going for them...the whole new day/fresh start thing, the birds chirping thing, the sunrise thing but none of those, at least as far as I'm concerned, trump the whole sleeping thing. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's kind of a big deal, I'm kind of good at it and those are kind of understatements. My sleeping prowess is mythical. I am good at sleeping like you are good at being annoying (that's a simile...good eye Capt. Language Arts) and I don't practice nearly as much as you do (I haven't had my coffee yet....perhaps we can be friends after lunch).

So, I'm in quite a pickle. I'm good at sleeping and I love sleeping (yes, I love it like that) but Morning shows up everyday and crashes the party. What a killjoy. What to do, what to do?

I've managed to reduce the "morning effect" by consuming a strategically planned cup of coffee but I still struggle with the purgatory between asleep and awake. It seems like I've tried it all. I have three alarm clocks (one that beeps, one that plays the radio and one that rings) which are all set for different times on both sides of 7am. The beloved Snooze button is at least 10 feet from my Xanadu but this merely increases the amount of exercise I get between snoozes...the distance does nothing to discourage the practice. My coffee maker is programmable but this is only useful for creating coffee at a predetermined time, not delivering said coffee so I find the programming features to be more reliable for creating cold cups of coffee than getting me out of bed (also, I forgot the coffee one night and woke up to a pot of hot water and that made me so mad that I got back in bed). Maybe I should get a coffee intravenous (IV) drip (note: I originally wrote "coffee catheter" and I'm glad I looked that one up because a catheter would have been counter-productive/disasterous...thank God for Wikipedia). My mom thinks I need to go to bed earlier but she also thinks I like broccoli and she's all ten shades of crazy so I take her suggestions lightly. A friend suggested I should get married because his wife kidney punches him if the alarm goes off twice but marriage seems a bit extreme...like cutting off your hand to prevent hangnails.

I'll get it figured out one day. Until then, I'll be late for work and I'll always have a good stock of coupons for free breakfast items at Chick-fil-a. If you're like me, I'm sorry, but here's a list of things that don't get started 'til the sun gets warm.

ONE NIGHT WITH YOU: A tribute to Elvis Presley: James Brown is still dead and so is Elvis but that is not stopping us from celebrating either one. Elvis' birthday is coming up on the 8th (Fool's Gold Loaf makes a great gift) and Le Chat Noir is celebrating with a tribute to The King. Shows are Friday and Saturday at 8pm and tickets are $10.

Horseback Riding: I don't know why Ft. Gordon has a horse farm but they do. Why they have a horse farm is less important than the fact that it is open to the public so I'm going to let them slide. It is open for guided trails and free riding so saddle up and enjoy. Price range varies and it is open Wed. - Sun.

Tuesday's Music Live: Free, live concerts. Hello? McFly? It's free. On the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, St. Paul's Church hosts a free concert followed by a catered lunch from noon-1pm. The performers are all over the place as far as genre is concerned but it is a great way to spend a Tuesday lunch hour. Lunch is by reservation only and usually costs $7. This week, the Silverwood Quartet is performing.

Aerial Tours of Augusta: Not exactly a "weekend" thing but it is very slow this weekend in Augusta so I'm reaching. Basically, you hop in a 4-seater and someone from Augusta Aviation, Inc. flies you around Augusta for 30 minutes. I did this with the fam when I was in high school and I remember enjoying the trip and not crashing. Tours are by reservation only and you can bring two friends for $69. If you are more romatically inclined check out their sunset tours.

Fin! Looks like you're on your own this weekend because there just isn't much going on. As far as I can tell, my old standby First Friday has been cancelled so call me if you're out and about on Friday....just not before noon.

-Jake