Thanks?

You remind me of my mom.  You look great in sweat pants.  You're taller than I remember.  Good choice on ordering the salad.  I like your mittens; they make you look like a hobo.  You're really good at ironing.  I was feeling nauseous last night and it made me think of you.

Why am I still single?

I'm starting to realize most people have a hard time handling compliments.  Apparently the problems begin with the word itself because there is a great deal of confusion over the difference between peanut butter complementing jelly and peanut butter complimenting jelly...the former is obvious the latter is disconcerting.  I know, it is only one letter, a vowel no less, but that vowel has consequences.  Remember guys, you compliment a girl when you like her dress but you complement a girl when you dress like her so next time she asks for a compliment, don't go out and buy a matching turtle-necks.  Trust me (unrelated side note: I'm selling a his-n-hers Yukata set).

Knowing, however, is only half the battle.  Eventually you will actually have to compliment and then apologize and explain yourself.  I'm sure there are a multitude of ways to attack the problem but I have chosen the trial-and-error method which, I've found, leads to a high turnover rate and endless opportunities to practice.  So far, I've learned that chicks don't like being called chicks and what you compliment, how you compliment, when you compliment and where you compliment all matter immensely.  

The 'what' of the equation seems like the most obvious step but, as a man, I can assure you that what I obviously like about you and what you obviously want complimented are not the same thing...unless you like sisqo.  Gentlemen, write this down: It doesn't matter why you like her.  You have to compliment the reasons she likes her.  If she fights nausea like gladiator in a gastrointestinal coliseum and you think her resolve is cute, you cannot under any circumstances tell her.  Take. it. to. your. grave.  'How' should be simple.  Not simple as in easy but simple as in minded.  You are not Shakespeare and she does not need to be reminded of that fact.  Lest you begin with "I like your mittens" and close with "they make you look like a hobo," this is not the time to earn the favor of your 8th grade Language Arts teacher.  If your compliment doesn't fit on one line of a haiku, you cannot use it...syllables, adjectives and metaphors are your enemy.  Moving to the 'when' and 'where,' I suggest you have a deck of reliable compliments to pull from in anticipation of stumbling up the intersection of the two as they are conspicuously linked.  You can tell her she looks nice outside of her car window, not her bathroom window.  The same compliment is appropriate before dinner but not after she ate a 16oz. steak, dessert and half your fries.  Further, the right compliment will fail in the wrong setting or at the wrong time.  Unfortunately, 'when' and 'where' require a judgement I am clearly not qualified to give.

Well, that was a bust.  Truth be told, I could fill a book with all of the compliments that don't work but I don't know the first thing about compliments that do; however, I can promise you sitting on your brains reading my toaster is not your next best step.  You must first entertain her presence...and that's one way I actually can help.

Blues, BBQs and Brews - Columbia county is quickly becoming the new Richmond county.  I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.  Regardless, they are supplying some free tunes tonight at the Columbia County Amphitheater so I meant it as a compliment.  Free admission, BBQ and Brew will cost you.  Show starts at 7pm.

Park Art - Here's a wild opportunity.  Have you ever been to North Augusta's Living History Park?  If not, you need to check it out this weekend.  If so, you already know and I expect you'll be checking it out this weekend.  The Festival includes live music all day Saturday and Sunday as well as art from featured local artists.  This one's free, too, so giddy up.

African Children's Choir - "Helping Africa’s most vulnerable children today, so they can help Africa tomorrow."  With a mission like that, how could you say No?  It's free.  With a price like that how could you say No?  Tonight at Lakemont Presbyterian at 7pm.  You won't get many opportunities like this one.

Earth Day - Reduce, Re-use, Ridiculous.  Even still, there are opportunities.  Plan a picnic down by the river or at the lake.  Cook a candlelight dinner.  Get creative and do something planet friendly.  If we gotta live here, we might as well keep the place livable.

Compliments are hard.  I've meandered through nearly 600 words and that really is the best I can do.  Somehow, in all those words I haven't managed to say the first thing useful so I'll close with this: good compliments are meant and best served.

-Jake

Art of War

Sun Tzu may or may not have been a real person.  If he were a real person he would have been born in China around the year 400 BCE, a heroic general for king Wu and primary author of Art of War...hard to believe, I know, which is why his existence is questionable.  The alleged book is a treatise on the philosophy of war and, according to wikipedia, a discourse on winning battles (as opposed to the alternative...which would have been an equally delightful read, I'm sure).  Do not overlook the distinction between winning battles and fighting battles because, according to Sun, the former does not necessarily require the latter and that little nugget was enough to land Sun's supposed work a very coveted spot on my Amazon.com wishlist.  I will, but have not currently read Sun Tzu's Art of War and I believe that fact has more to do with the reality that I've never been a 9 year old girl than I am comfortable admitting.

I am staring at a half-empty sleeve of Thin Mints (in this case, half-empty is the optimistic position) and I am suddenly acutely aware that the Girl Scouts of America have made Sun's Art of War required reading.

I was at Lowe's last weekend.  Why was I at Lowe's?  To buy some stuff for the house--paint, drywall mud, a sink...stuff.  Why was I at Lowe's?  The truth is that the stuff was only part of the story; I know that now but she knew that then.  She, that cute sandy-haired girl with a giant toothy grin just a few years shy of braces.  She and her gaggle of green-vested grunts.  They.  They knew that men don't go to Lowe's to buy stuff.  They knew that men go to Lowe's to be men, to smell wood, inspect grills, to think of reasons to buy a heavy-duty coil roofing nailer...to be men.  They also know that Lowe's has exactly one exit and that most men will walk through that exit without wood, a grill or a heavy-duty coil roofing nailer and will be in need of redemption.  The trap was set and I didn't stand a change.

A feign of "would you like to help the Girl Scouts, mister?" followed by deception, disorder, heavily garrisoned narrow passes, a knowledge of your enemy, and eventually...inevitably, victory...Sun Tzu would be so proud (if he were real).

So what, right?  You're not here for my maniacal musings or my conspiracy theories.  I know why you're here.  If boredom be your foe, read on...

Masters Week - I'm sure there's a handful of goings ons this weekend that will be oh so entertaining.  I'm sure you'll have a grand time but don't you think I'll be missing you.  The truth is I'll be resting, lying in wait for Monday night--planning, preparing--because that's when it all really starts.  If you really really want to see me next week you'll go to the Mayor's Masters Reception at the Augusta Commons on Monday night for free food.  Tuesday you'll be at Rock Fore Dough over at the First Tee complex to see Hootie, Zac Brown and Shaun Mullins.  Wednesday and Thursday you'll find me on the dance floor of the Country Club for Locash Cowboys and the Swingin' Medallions, respectively.  I should be dead by Friday.

I've given you all the ammunition you should need to beat boredom into submission and I will not tolerate any failure to do so on your part.    If you can't have fun next week, you can't have fun and there is nothing I nor Sun Tzu can do to help...so go, take the high ground, be prepared, and have a blast.