Art of War

Sun Tzu may or may not have been a real person.  If he were a real person he would have been born in China around the year 400 BCE, a heroic general for king Wu and primary author of Art of War...hard to believe, I know, which is why his existence is questionable.  The alleged book is a treatise on the philosophy of war and, according to wikipedia, a discourse on winning battles (as opposed to the alternative...which would have been an equally delightful read, I'm sure).  Do not overlook the distinction between winning battles and fighting battles because, according to Sun, the former does not necessarily require the latter and that little nugget was enough to land Sun's supposed work a very coveted spot on my Amazon.com wishlist.  I will, but have not currently read Sun Tzu's Art of War and I believe that fact has more to do with the reality that I've never been a 9 year old girl than I am comfortable admitting.

I am staring at a half-empty sleeve of Thin Mints (in this case, half-empty is the optimistic position) and I am suddenly acutely aware that the Girl Scouts of America have made Sun's Art of War required reading.

I was at Lowe's last weekend.  Why was I at Lowe's?  To buy some stuff for the house--paint, drywall mud, a sink...stuff.  Why was I at Lowe's?  The truth is that the stuff was only part of the story; I know that now but she knew that then.  She, that cute sandy-haired girl with a giant toothy grin just a few years shy of braces.  She and her gaggle of green-vested grunts.  They.  They knew that men don't go to Lowe's to buy stuff.  They knew that men go to Lowe's to be men, to smell wood, inspect grills, to think of reasons to buy a heavy-duty coil roofing nailer...to be men.  They also know that Lowe's has exactly one exit and that most men will walk through that exit without wood, a grill or a heavy-duty coil roofing nailer and will be in need of redemption.  The trap was set and I didn't stand a change.

A feign of "would you like to help the Girl Scouts, mister?" followed by deception, disorder, heavily garrisoned narrow passes, a knowledge of your enemy, and eventually...inevitably, victory...Sun Tzu would be so proud (if he were real).

So what, right?  You're not here for my maniacal musings or my conspiracy theories.  I know why you're here.  If boredom be your foe, read on...

Masters Week - I'm sure there's a handful of goings ons this weekend that will be oh so entertaining.  I'm sure you'll have a grand time but don't you think I'll be missing you.  The truth is I'll be resting, lying in wait for Monday night--planning, preparing--because that's when it all really starts.  If you really really want to see me next week you'll go to the Mayor's Masters Reception at the Augusta Commons on Monday night for free food.  Tuesday you'll be at Rock Fore Dough over at the First Tee complex to see Hootie, Zac Brown and Shaun Mullins.  Wednesday and Thursday you'll find me on the dance floor of the Country Club for Locash Cowboys and the Swingin' Medallions, respectively.  I should be dead by Friday.

I've given you all the ammunition you should need to beat boredom into submission and I will not tolerate any failure to do so on your part.    If you can't have fun next week, you can't have fun and there is nothing I nor Sun Tzu can do to help...so go, take the high ground, be prepared, and have a blast.