Early Birds

They get worms. I get it, I just don't get it. The fact that I've never been accused of it might be a clue as to why...I'm not sure. You see, I spend a lot more time being waited on than waiting. I suppose it is rude to always be late. I suppose it is a warning signal for some deeply hidden personality flaw. I suppose you're reading too much into it. Most likely, we could get to the bottom of my temporal fluidity with a little couch time and a lot of money but I don't care....at all. Regardless of the cause, my timing has always been what it is (consistency should be a more valuable currency but that is another story). In high school, my friends would tell me to be places 30 minutes before everyone else. Most of my clocks are set 15 minutes fast (the rest are 1:15 fast...stupid daylight savings). On Christmas my dad tells me to wake up at 4am....I think he's on to something.

On Christmas, my family is, absolutely, the dysfunctional family after which the major networks love to model sitcoms. If you were to stop by the lido deck on Christmas Eve, the itinerary would show that my dad expects to be on the interstate at 6am so we can be at his mother's house for breakfast at 8am. He should really stick to fights he can win. By the time I was 5, I had been conditioned to associate Santa Clause with my parents yelling at me while I slept. 2nd grade was filled with disappointment. Yelling is, basically, how we greet each other on Christmas...."Good morning, Dad." "GET IN THE CAR." I guess you can't spell volume without L-O-V-E. When I was younger, it bordered on child abuse because I had to survey the presents Santa brought, pick the ones I wanted to play with at my Grandmother's house, pick again because the first rounders wouldn't fit in the car, repackage the selected presents, then wait 2 hours before I could play with them and I had to do all of this before sunrise. The horrors, I know. You know what they say....'tis the season.

My timing being what it is, I like things that have soft start times because you can never, really, be late. However, there are people who annoy me like set schedules so I've decided to include a little of both in my to-do list this weekend.

Kwanzaa: I'm a little late on this one. Kwanzaa starts on the 26th (apparently in direct protest of Christmas...no word on whether you can celebrate both) and lasts through Jan. 1st. There is a Kwanzaa celebration on Saturday at the James Brandt Building, which, unlike the holiday, was not conjured out of thin air. It starts at 4pm and it's free.

The Magic Flute: Here's a unique opportunity to see the Metropolitan Opera perform the award winning The Magic Flute (no word on whether they have an award for gayest title) without having to hop a plane to NY. Rumor has it that the performance is being broadcast to select movie theaters across the US and our Regal was one of the chosen. Hooray! Tickets are $18 and the show starts at 1:30pm on Saturday. Let me know if you're going cuz I'm interested.

New Year's Eve: For those of us following the Gregorian Calendar
(unless you're Chinese, that means you), we've got a new year on the horizon and Sunday night is the night to celebrate the passing of the old and the coming of the new. Augusta has a few different options to offer in terms of celebratory venues. The Bell Auditorium is having a ridiculously expensive ($32) "concert" (it's in quotes because I couldn't find out what acts will be performing...I'll un-quote it as soon as someone can prove that the concert actually exists) at 9pm. Modjeska also has an opportunity for you to waste your money. $25 will get you a tapas buffet, balloon drop, DJ Kenny Ray, and buyer's remorse. 1102 Bar and Grill is having the cheapest ($25) New Year's Bash but being the cheapest of this group is like being the most athletic guy at art camp. It's a dubious award, for sure. If you're cheap and awesome, I've got another option for ya. Yep, I'm having a party and you're invited.

James Brown: He's dead, I'm tactful, the Earth is round...perhaps you've heard. It's not exactly a thing to do but, being from Augusta, I find it difficult to leave the Godfather of Soul out. There is a public funeral at the James Brown Arena, which, may or may not be, the old Civic Center. I won't be there because I forgot to include "Attend James Brown's Funeral" in my list of things I want to do before I die, but please pour one out for me if you decide to attend.

So much to do and so little time. Choose wisely, but when you do choose, please save me a seat...I'll be there soon. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and that everyone will have an even better New Year (I hear it's the Chinese year of the You).

-Jake

Lessons Learned

If you're the notetaking type, you might want to grab a pencil (or pen, Mr. Confidence) because I've got a spot of advice to offer. Last week, I started a bit of a firestorm with my foray-into-the-feminine-psyche thing and, when the dust settled, I realized two things. First, the ace of spades is the prettiest card in the whole deck...more on that later. Second, observation and personal experience do not an expert make and I need to stick to subjects I know something about. So, in the spirit of our newfound widsom, I'm going to tread lightly and leave all the important topics to the experts/women. No, my two front teeth do not constitute all I want from christmas; I know this.

Christmas time is great for a lot of reasons, one of which is all the sandbagging that takes place in the public school system. By this time of the year, the teachers are the only people that want to be out of school more than the students. This small fact is the driving force behind the "What I want for Christmas" essay my teachers lovingly assigned....annually....for 12 years. Since I love convention, chocolate cake and questions I am uniquely qualified to answer, here is my "What I want for Christmas 2006."

A Guitar: Consider this a fact finding mission. Imagine if Columbus had thought the world to be round (he did) and the monarchy thought the world to be flat (they didn't), then all Columbus needed to convince all parties was a ship. It is a gift in the spirit of discovery....Men, I promise to be thorough and forthwith when reporting my findings.

Books, Books and more Books: Turns out, I don't know it all. I know...I'm as surprised as you are. Clarissa may have been able to explain it all, but her show got cancelled a long time ago and I need something to fill her void. The cats that wrote those books seem to have a handle on things so check with me next year to see if Rob Bell can explain it all.

Sweaters: I'm not sure when, exactly, I turned into Carlton Banks but the transformation is complete and irreversible. Now that was one sharp dressed man. Don't worry ladies, I'm not that good....yet. Dr. Huckstable would be so proud.

The Burning Crusade: I'm really embracing my inner nerd on this one. If you don't know what this is, then don't click the link and continue your blissful life of ignorance. You will thank me but, most of all, you will still think I'm cool.

Mistletoe: Well...you know why.

When it comes to Christmas according to Jake, I'm the Dalai Lama....it's a subject I know quite a lot about. Another, perhaps the only other, subject I've been accused of knowing a lot about is the Augusta social calendar. Fridays are BOGO days around here so here is your "get one."

Lights Before Christmas: This one doesn't actually take place in Augusta. Rather, it actually takes place in Columbia, SC at the Riverbanks Zoo, but there is a group of Augustans (your's truly included) doing this tonight. If you can't make it tonight, you have until the end of the month to see the sights. $7 for adults, $5 for children; 6-9pm.

Magical Night of Lights: Ok, also not in Augusta....Sorry. This one takes place up on Lake Lanier and it is, apparently, quite a big deal. Well, at least a long deal. Six miles of lighted Christmas wonderment....which is a lot of wonderment. The display runs through the end of the month. 5-10pm; $30-40 per car.

Lights of the South: We're getting closer. This lighting extravaganza is located in Grovetown which, depending on which census you look at, is actually part of Augusta. Reviews of this one are sketchy at best and very very bad at worst. It is only $7 and they have a 60' lighted Princess' Castle (nothing brings back Christmas memories like a 60' Princess' Castle) so it can't be all bad. Again, you have until the end of the month to take it all in.

Festival of Lights: I never know where I'm going when I start these lists but this one ended up with Hanukkah, so there you go. A bit of a shout out to my Jewish readers (anyone, Bueller, Bueller?) because Hanukkah officially starts tomorrow and comes to a conclusion on Dec. 23rd. Now that's 8 crazy nights.

Whew...I'm listed out. I hope everyone is having a great Christmas season and I hope you all remember to make time to get me a present for friends and family amid all the other stuff.

-Jake

Preemptive Strike

You know, the best defense is a good offense. It's pretty much the same theory.....strike with swiftness and precision and destroy the will of your opponent before they are able to mount a comeback. See, you're getting it, now. It's not complicated, it's not long division. Even still, it isn't the simplicity that makes it so appealing, it's the effectiveness. It works for Ken Shamrock (am I right or am I right), it would have worked in WWII (a "No means No" approach would have worked if Poland's "No" actually meant No), and it works for me (#2 with a coke and no, I don't want a hot apple pie with that). I knew it would work, I just didn't think she'd use it.

Despite my best efforts, devilishly good looks and tight jeans, I remain chronicly single and the preemptive strike is largely to blame. Women can be cunning, calculated and cold when it comes to crushing credible courters (Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...amateur) and I'm living proof. There is nothing more devastating than starting a conversation with "You know, I was wondering..." and being interrupted with "Yeah, you should probably stop that. See ya." Being reminded that "we are so not a couple" is a close second. (Side Note: I wonder why we wonder? Why don't we just ask "Would you like to go out" instead of wondering if they'd like to go out? Isn't the wondering understood, Sally? My roommate from college asked a girl if she would "Mayhaps like to go out some time. If not, that's cool too." As a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn, I spend an awful lot of time worrying about someone hurting my feelings) I think women have some sort of spider sense that alerts them to possible dating disaster (I originally had "danger" but that is clearly not the case), and, even more importantly, they have the stones to act on that impulse. Fellas, we are up against a formidable adversary and the deck is seriously stacked against us.

What now? I tried giving up but I like women too much, it seems. No, I think you have to fight fire with fire water. Two words... Blitzkrieg.

Cherish the Ladies: Despite the title, this is not a seminar so leave your notepads at home, guys. Rather, this it is a Celtic music group and they are performing with the Augusta Symphony tonight at the Bell Auditorium and again on Sunday at the ASU Performing Arts Center. It's Christmas music, it's artsy, it's the perfect sneak attack.

A Christmas Carol: The Ghost of Christmas Past won't help my invertebrate status but it might be your gateway to second date bliss. Shows are this weekend at the Imperial and tickets range from $12 to $32. A box of Junior Mints, a spotlight and a lot of reverse psychology and Scrooge's heart may not be the only one changing this weekend.

Second Saturday Dance: I love informative titles and chocolate cake. According to the title, this is a dance that takes place on the second Saturday. The cost is $20 per person so it's a little steep but proceeds go to the Ray Baker Parkinson Fund...you can handle it daddy warbucks. Tire her out on the dance floor and she won't have the strength to resist your charms. It's basically the US plan of action against Cuba.

12 Band of Christmas: 2 weeks in a row and I just want to remind you that CDs are on sale and they include a ticket for 2....which means you've got 2 weeks to find a date that isn't your mom...or my mom for that matter. I may need a fall back.

Hopefully one of these methods will work out in your favor...I doubt it, but I can hope. Be relentless and stay away from Russia. If you can't find someone to spend the holidays with, give me a shout and we can spend them alone together.

-Jake