Early Birds

They get worms. I get it, I just don't get it. The fact that I've never been accused of it might be a clue as to why...I'm not sure. You see, I spend a lot more time being waited on than waiting. I suppose it is rude to always be late. I suppose it is a warning signal for some deeply hidden personality flaw. I suppose you're reading too much into it. Most likely, we could get to the bottom of my temporal fluidity with a little couch time and a lot of money but I don't care....at all. Regardless of the cause, my timing has always been what it is (consistency should be a more valuable currency but that is another story). In high school, my friends would tell me to be places 30 minutes before everyone else. Most of my clocks are set 15 minutes fast (the rest are 1:15 fast...stupid daylight savings). On Christmas my dad tells me to wake up at 4am....I think he's on to something.

On Christmas, my family is, absolutely, the dysfunctional family after which the major networks love to model sitcoms. If you were to stop by the lido deck on Christmas Eve, the itinerary would show that my dad expects to be on the interstate at 6am so we can be at his mother's house for breakfast at 8am. He should really stick to fights he can win. By the time I was 5, I had been conditioned to associate Santa Clause with my parents yelling at me while I slept. 2nd grade was filled with disappointment. Yelling is, basically, how we greet each other on Christmas...."Good morning, Dad." "GET IN THE CAR." I guess you can't spell volume without L-O-V-E. When I was younger, it bordered on child abuse because I had to survey the presents Santa brought, pick the ones I wanted to play with at my Grandmother's house, pick again because the first rounders wouldn't fit in the car, repackage the selected presents, then wait 2 hours before I could play with them and I had to do all of this before sunrise. The horrors, I know. You know what they say....'tis the season.

My timing being what it is, I like things that have soft start times because you can never, really, be late. However, there are people who annoy me like set schedules so I've decided to include a little of both in my to-do list this weekend.

Kwanzaa: I'm a little late on this one. Kwanzaa starts on the 26th (apparently in direct protest of Christmas...no word on whether you can celebrate both) and lasts through Jan. 1st. There is a Kwanzaa celebration on Saturday at the James Brandt Building, which, unlike the holiday, was not conjured out of thin air. It starts at 4pm and it's free.

The Magic Flute: Here's a unique opportunity to see the Metropolitan Opera perform the award winning The Magic Flute (no word on whether they have an award for gayest title) without having to hop a plane to NY. Rumor has it that the performance is being broadcast to select movie theaters across the US and our Regal was one of the chosen. Hooray! Tickets are $18 and the show starts at 1:30pm on Saturday. Let me know if you're going cuz I'm interested.

New Year's Eve: For those of us following the Gregorian Calendar
(unless you're Chinese, that means you), we've got a new year on the horizon and Sunday night is the night to celebrate the passing of the old and the coming of the new. Augusta has a few different options to offer in terms of celebratory venues. The Bell Auditorium is having a ridiculously expensive ($32) "concert" (it's in quotes because I couldn't find out what acts will be performing...I'll un-quote it as soon as someone can prove that the concert actually exists) at 9pm. Modjeska also has an opportunity for you to waste your money. $25 will get you a tapas buffet, balloon drop, DJ Kenny Ray, and buyer's remorse. 1102 Bar and Grill is having the cheapest ($25) New Year's Bash but being the cheapest of this group is like being the most athletic guy at art camp. It's a dubious award, for sure. If you're cheap and awesome, I've got another option for ya. Yep, I'm having a party and you're invited.

James Brown: He's dead, I'm tactful, the Earth is round...perhaps you've heard. It's not exactly a thing to do but, being from Augusta, I find it difficult to leave the Godfather of Soul out. There is a public funeral at the James Brown Arena, which, may or may not be, the old Civic Center. I won't be there because I forgot to include "Attend James Brown's Funeral" in my list of things I want to do before I die, but please pour one out for me if you decide to attend.

So much to do and so little time. Choose wisely, but when you do choose, please save me a seat...I'll be there soon. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and that everyone will have an even better New Year (I hear it's the Chinese year of the You).

-Jake