Preemptive Strike

You know, the best defense is a good offense. It's pretty much the same theory.....strike with swiftness and precision and destroy the will of your opponent before they are able to mount a comeback. See, you're getting it, now. It's not complicated, it's not long division. Even still, it isn't the simplicity that makes it so appealing, it's the effectiveness. It works for Ken Shamrock (am I right or am I right), it would have worked in WWII (a "No means No" approach would have worked if Poland's "No" actually meant No), and it works for me (#2 with a coke and no, I don't want a hot apple pie with that). I knew it would work, I just didn't think she'd use it.

Despite my best efforts, devilishly good looks and tight jeans, I remain chronicly single and the preemptive strike is largely to blame. Women can be cunning, calculated and cold when it comes to crushing credible courters (Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...amateur) and I'm living proof. There is nothing more devastating than starting a conversation with "You know, I was wondering..." and being interrupted with "Yeah, you should probably stop that. See ya." Being reminded that "we are so not a couple" is a close second. (Side Note: I wonder why we wonder? Why don't we just ask "Would you like to go out" instead of wondering if they'd like to go out? Isn't the wondering understood, Sally? My roommate from college asked a girl if she would "Mayhaps like to go out some time. If not, that's cool too." As a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn, I spend an awful lot of time worrying about someone hurting my feelings) I think women have some sort of spider sense that alerts them to possible dating disaster (I originally had "danger" but that is clearly not the case), and, even more importantly, they have the stones to act on that impulse. Fellas, we are up against a formidable adversary and the deck is seriously stacked against us.

What now? I tried giving up but I like women too much, it seems. No, I think you have to fight fire with fire water. Two words... Blitzkrieg.

Cherish the Ladies: Despite the title, this is not a seminar so leave your notepads at home, guys. Rather, this it is a Celtic music group and they are performing with the Augusta Symphony tonight at the Bell Auditorium and again on Sunday at the ASU Performing Arts Center. It's Christmas music, it's artsy, it's the perfect sneak attack.

A Christmas Carol: The Ghost of Christmas Past won't help my invertebrate status but it might be your gateway to second date bliss. Shows are this weekend at the Imperial and tickets range from $12 to $32. A box of Junior Mints, a spotlight and a lot of reverse psychology and Scrooge's heart may not be the only one changing this weekend.

Second Saturday Dance: I love informative titles and chocolate cake. According to the title, this is a dance that takes place on the second Saturday. The cost is $20 per person so it's a little steep but proceeds go to the Ray Baker Parkinson Fund...you can handle it daddy warbucks. Tire her out on the dance floor and she won't have the strength to resist your charms. It's basically the US plan of action against Cuba.

12 Band of Christmas: 2 weeks in a row and I just want to remind you that CDs are on sale and they include a ticket for 2....which means you've got 2 weeks to find a date that isn't your mom...or my mom for that matter. I may need a fall back.

Hopefully one of these methods will work out in your favor...I doubt it, but I can hope. Be relentless and stay away from Russia. If you can't find someone to spend the holidays with, give me a shout and we can spend them alone together.

-Jake