Pretentious

It has been brought to my attention by a few people (passive voice FTW) that I've kind of fallen down on my job of toasting (toasting (v.): the process of writing toasters which may or may not be humorous/used to woo women). I'm not exactly sure how I should respond to such egregious accusations because...well...unlike O.J., the glove fits. I'm guilty as charged. It may be writer's block or it may be that I'm lazy (strangely, I think I've toasted about both subjects....crazy, I know). The world may never know. So, what to do when you've got nothing to say? Plagiarism seems like a logical choice. Unfortunately, it is frowned upon. The next best thing is to be a critic. Critics always have something to say.

Enter Jake the Poetry Critic....What are my qualifications? That question is a little forward isn't it? Since you asked, I love rap and I'd like to have 3.2 kids...now what ever will we talk about on our second date? With my resume and my 5-year plan firmly in hand, let's get on to the review.

The Mollusk of My Life: Center of My Heart and Chesapeake Bay
by: C.R. Manley
turning tide—
placing intact clams
back in the water

Beautiful. Brilliant. This is Mr. Manley's world, the rest of us are just squirrel's trying to get a nut. I'm not exactly sure where to start. A critique of this magnitude is beyond my ability. I do not possess the hubris to continue, but continue I must. Any attempt to disassemble this masterpiece would only point to my own shortcomings both in art and in life. Front to back and end to beginning, Mr. Manley's work touches the deepest parts of our souls. His words connect with a longing within each of us. We are the clams. We are the tide. Like a fine New England Clam Chowder (the white), Mr. Manley satisfies us with each clam of hope.

And I'm spent. I haven't the energy to continue so I urge you to continue in my stead. Go out. Do something this weekend. Take someone someone with you.

-Jake

P.S. Mr. Manley did not title his haiku so I titled it for him. All credits to the Haiku Society of America.