Criminal Activity

I would have made a horrible thief. I am not saying this because I can see some internal flaw that would lead to some sort of thievery deficit; rather I say it because I was a horrible thief and theft is hardly the type of profession that offers significant room for improvement. Computer programming mistakes are often accompanied by a call from my boss and 5-10 minutes of reflection. Thievery mistakes are accompanied by handcuffs and 5-10 years of "reflection." The threshold for error is wide and the opportunity for improvement is narrow.

Despite what Disney would have you believe, there is really only one rule to piracy (unless you are a meth addict in which case there are several rules or no rules....depending on how much Sudafed you put in the mix) and that rule is less Sparrow and more Smith....less con and more capitalist. It all comes down to risk and reward. If you must steal, at least steal something worth stealing. Daniel Ocean understood this rule; I did not.

A pack of candy cigarettes, a pack of M&M's, a 1991 Score Will Clark, and a Louis L'Amour novel (I know, I know...Louis L'Amour....) were the sum of the bounty which I amassed during my years as a hardened criminal. My impressive haul is made even more impressive by the fact that I was able to gather all of the invaluable (read: worthless) items in no fewer than 2 (no more than 2 either....but 'no fewer' sounds better) heists. My criminal career was abruptly ended after the fleecing of a local K-Mart for the Will Clark card. The baseball card section of the store was near the back of the store, sandwiched between board games and children's clothing, and it was unkempt to say the least. Broken packs of cards littered the shelves and the floor. Laying amongst the broken packs was the Will Clark card and future incarceration. No sooner had I picked up the card than I was being whisked away by K-Mart security. Apparently I had walked into some kind of baseball card sting; set up to ebb the current influx of baseball card theft...or maybe their security guards have too much time on their hands. The story continues and worsens. The details are hardly important but you should know that handcuffs, security videos, lots of yelling, the backseat of a police car and the crack of my father's belt ended my life of crime that very day. Don't be a fool - stay in school.

The weekend is nearly here and the Garden City has a lot of legal entertainment to offer...I suggest you give it a try.

Best of Augusta - This one's easy. It's the best....it says so right there in the name. To claim to be the best and be anything less than the best would be deceptive advertising at best and incorrigible at worst. Go hungry and take $12. Proceeds go to Fort Discovery, calories go to your hips. 6pm tonight at Fort Discovery.

First Friday - If you've lived in Augusta for any period of time, you'll know about First Friday. If you haven't been, tomorrow would be a good night to check it out because they are also celebrating the 5th year of the Augusta Commons with an outdoor concert. Did I mention the concert is free? No? Well, it's free. The Tams and the Drifters are performing.

Jaguar Jaunt - Run like you stole something. Grammatical deficiencies aside, there is a lot of truth in that statement. If I had run from the store, the security guards wouldn't have had time to put down their donuts and grab me. So, if you are considering a life of crime, you should probably get in shape first. Augusta State is here to help. Race starts at 8am Saturday. Registration is $20 with a t-shirt and $10 without.

Light the Night - If you're familiar with Relay for Life, this will sound familiar and docile by comparison. It is a fund raiser/walk to honor survivors of Leukemia or Lymphoma and to raise money and awareness. The walk starts at 7:30 Saturday night and lasts 2 hoursish so it's not a huge commitment for all you people who think you "have better things to do." If you're reading this blog, I can assure you that you don't.

UGA vs. UT - Georgia plays Tennessee at 3:30pm on your local CBS affiliate. If your local CBS affiliate is in the greater Augusta area and you are a UGA fan, let me know. I'll be watching the game and I might as well watch it with you.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Remember, it's only illegal if you get caught so be good or be sneaky.

-Jake