Grammatically Speaking

They call it Language Arts...Language Arts.  Art is hardly a word I would use in the same sentence as mention of that 8th grade dual-hour disaster, much less a word I would use to describe the result; but, there it is in the name, begging to be rightly understood.

I only bring it up because I was reading and thinking the other day (hard to believe perhaps, but it was stardate 2-7-2009 and I remember it vividly because the two have not simultaneously occurred prior nor since) and something I read stopped me dead in my proverbial tracks.  Sadly, I can't remember what it was that struck me (now, that's good story telling...) but I do remember the feeling.  I took note of the feeling because it wasn't my normal feeling of bewilderment, that "wait-what-did-I-just-read" fogginess that accompanies any sentence with two commas or a word with four syllables (a man must know his limits).  Instead it was almost a moment of clarity.  A moment of wow.  Oh, the artistry of language.  Now I get that which my 8th grade brain had no interest to learn and my teacher had no will to teach (bless her heart).

The thought of my MLA handbook as a craftsman's tool is an affront to my digestion and an insult to my ignorance but there it is...the truth is often uncomfortable and rarely within my grasp.  Here are few writers who have elevated language to an art form...in a single sentence.

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.  - Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ for the faith of God’s elect and the knowledge of the truth that leads to godliness—a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time, and at his appointed season he brought his word to light through the preaching entrusted to me by the command of God our Savior, to Titus, my true son in our common faith: Grace and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Savior. - Titus by Paul the Apostle

Call me Ishmael. - Moby Dick by Herman Melville

Every comma ups the ante and I plead "tell me more!"  You see, great stories are lovingly crafted by gifted wordsmiths and those stories give color and life to experiences which, left to lesser hands (read: my hands) would be short, boring and poorly punctuated.  But, I'm not totally without use.  Great stories do have to start somewhere, and I might just have a few ideas....

Jamey Johnson - So, I was at this bar last Friday night....not exactly the stuff of legends, eh?  Let me suggest that it's all a matter of framing.  How about "so, I was dancing with this girl last Friday night."  Better, right?  Give it a shot Friday night at The Country Club.  Jamey Johnson will provide the tunes, the rest is up to you, slick.  $15 in advance.

Dawn Walk - For those of you who know me, this suggestion will strike you as odd (for those of you who don't know me...Hi, I'm Jake).  Rarely has my story begun before dawn or in nature but "it takes all kinds" (so they say) and you might just be that kind.  Phinizy Swamp at 5:30am on Saturday.  Bring $5 for the fee, a coat for the cold and a friend for the company because I won't be there.

Serve Augusta - You like options?  Show up at Warren Baptist Church on Saturday morning at 8:30 and you'll have all the options you can handle.  A veritable choose-your-own-adventure of story telling.  Personally, I'll be heading down to the Widow's Home to do some demolition and clean up but that is just one of the many many options available.  This one won't cost you a dime but the best part is that service is the stuff of legends.

Battle of Aiken - If starting a whole new story sounds a bit overwhelming; this is the outing for you.  All you have to do is show up and watch people relive the tried and true story of the Battle of Aiken.  Never heard of it?  Me neither.  Confederate history not your thing?  Maybe bar-b-que is.  The battle will rage all day Friday and Saturday and the bar-b-que will follow on Saturday when, presumably, the Union and Confederate soldiers will settle their differences and pass the potato salad.

We humans have been telling our stories, good and bad, since the beginning of time.  So, when you answer the question "What did you do last weekend" I hope you'll answer artfully and with lots of commas.

-Jake