Love and Sex

I was going to title this toaster "Things Jake Knows Nothing About" but this isn't an episode of $10,000 Pyramid and I'm afraid the responses to such a carte blanche category could have become harrowing. Besides, my more astute readers knew, long before the page loaded, that this blog would be either very short (perhaps blank) or very ficticious so there was no need to further open myself up to the ridcule of the peanut gallery. No, the title, while not entirely off topic, was a bit of a ruse on my part and, if this is your first time here, it probably worked. You see, we're in the middle of sweeps month and I'm pulling out all the stops to boost my ratings so I can charge my advertisers out the nose. Did I mention I'm taking an ethics class this semester?

Back on topic. Assuming I know "nothing" about love and/or sex isn't a good idea because it makes an ass of u and ming and becuase I'm not completely ignorant of the topic. I've done my homework. I wikipedia'd (that's a verb) both topics. Love, interestingly enough, suggested that I "see also" sex (or coitus, if you will) but sex was not kind enough to suggest I look for love. I'll leave it up to you to decipher that quagmire. According to the encyclopedia, "its[sex] primary evolutionary purpose is the reproduction and continued survival of the human species" so, no pressure, huh? To those of you having sex...thank you. Seriously, thank you. Love, however, is far more complicated as it "is not amenable to one authoritative definition" and "it is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection." Debate, speculation and thoughful introspection? Crepes! They make it sound so....well, boring. Princeton raises the bar with: love is "any object of warm affection or devotion" and, as an example they suggest "he loves cock fighting." Cock fighting? You've got to be kidding me. Clearly, acedemia is not well suited to handle...well...anything. How about the arts? John Lennon starts us off well with "love is real" but he quickly falters with "love is wanting to be loved." Come on, John. This isn't balderdash; you can't use the word in the definition. I'm with Foreigner...I wanna know what love is. DC Talk says love is a verb, Brian McKnight thinks love...well, love is, Pat Benatar says love is a battlefield, but Mya is most eloquent with love is like woah. Like, no kidding. I think we're getting closer somewhere. The movie industry is helpful in a "teach a man to fish" kind of way. A search for love over at imdb (oh my, the jokes this should spawn) returns 6200 movie titles. If I start yesterday, I'll have a pretty good handle on the topic by 2017. I'll be in touch.

If you haven't guessed it by now that Valentines Day is coming up, you're single. Congratulations. If you aren't single and you didn't know Valentines Day is next week; you're about to be single. Congratulations. Here's some last minute ideas, just in case.

Winter Jam: The difference between Christian music and secular music is the muse. Christians pine for God and secular musicians pine for the opposite sex. I've met my fair share of women and I'm pretty sure the Christians are on to something. I've heard of some of the people coming (which usually means they are superstars within their respective careers) so, if this is your thing, it should be a pretty good time. If it's not your thing, you might want to make it your thing. $10 at the door is a steal. Doors open at 6, show starts at 7.

Valentine Dance: Normally, I'd be all over this. Dancing at the boathouse for $15 ($5 if you have a student ID, which I do)...please! Wild horses couldn't drag me away. But, they had to go and make it a Valentine thing so I'm pausing a bit. Calling all shaggers...if you're interested, I'm interested so let's go be interested together tomorrow night at 8pm.

Augusta Symphony: There is something in the air this weekend. The symphony has 3 concerts in the next 9 days so you've got lots of opportunities to convince the little lady that, as a man of class, you cannot live on Budweiser alone. You
need orchestra music as well, sugar. The Contours are playing at the Bell Saturday night, Beethoven Lives Upstairs is showing at the Imperial Sunday afternoon, and Rachel Barton Pine is performing at First Baptist Church next Saturday. If you've never seen the Symphony, take advantage of one of above opportunities. You'll thank me later and hopefully with chocolate cake.

The Fantasticks: Appropriately enough, it's a play about love. When I typed that, I tilted my head to the side just so, fluttered my eye lids and my gaze drifted toward the heavens while soft piano music played in my head. Then I remembered, I'm not gay. With a touch of sword fighting and magic, this play can't be all bad. Get tickets soon because they sell out very very fast. It is showing this weekend, and next. $15 per seat, show starts at 8pm.

I think I've set you up pretty well so pour one out for me while she's melting in your arms. If she doesn't melt (you did something wrong), don't forget my motto....when in doubt, send flowers. Ask for Amelia and tell her Jake sent you.

Happy Valentines Day

-Jake